Entry 1: "Trying to remember it all"

"Who would have thought I would end up in the position I am in? Never ME! not for a million years, or mama for that matter. I left home with so much potential, but ended up with so little. Maybe I am looking at things wrong. Maybe they won't be as bad as I thought. After all, look how far I have come in personal growth since I have been in this city of hell. I stepped off the bus as a shy, scared, quiet, small town girl. And now I am not afraid to stand up for who I am, what I believe, and what I want. That's gotta be worth something. Annnd, for now, we won't mention any of the bad stuff it brought out.

It's funny how life is though. Funny the little curve balls it throws you. I think back to when I first started working at Rader, how things were scary and unknown and I was just trying to get through my days. I worked hard and it paid off, I got promoted to Asst. Manager of Rader after a while. One of my most exciting moments. I think it was then I started building a respect and loyalty for Parnell that would ultimately lead me down a different path and open the door to the Rejects for me. Before joining them as family, I suppose I feared them the same as most people do. Watching from the sidelines at the chaos they brought, and secretly admiring it. I wouldn't have believed then that there were feelings hiding inside me that would soon surface and make me realize how good it felt to do things like bury a blade deep inside the tender flesh of someone.

So much has happened since those first days to lead me to where I am now. When I think back on them, it's almost like watching an old movie reel spinning in my head with images that sometimes seem like a dream. Like getting carved into the Rejects by Jaci, a girl I didn't even know and would have sworn was as nuts as a bag of cashews. I was certainly right about the nuts thing, but I wouldn't have guessed how much I would end up liking her and feeling like she was family to me. At least until she proved her loyalties ran about as deep as a rain puddle on concrete. I look at the jagged scar on my wrist and think about Jaci and Lex attacking me, trying in their own demented way to make me show my loyalties to the Rejects instead of caring for Vinny. And I wonder what ran through her mind when she turned around and handed her armband to Rippen, leaving her loyalties to her Reject family on the floor like a forgotten pair of holey underwear. What would have happened to me if I had decided to keep my relationship with Vinny then? Personally, I think I would have ended up dead.

An outsider looking in might never guess that, even in such hostile territory, love can bloom. I think they would be asking if it's really love, or just some crazy idea held by crazy people who think it might be love. I would have to disagree, I think it can be. I know I didn't see it coming, until it hit me right in the face. I had always respected Parnell as my boss, and after becoming a Reject, as my leader. There was a loyalty I felt for him that I can say I still hold to this day. Neither my loyalty or respect has faded for the man, even if my feelings of love have. I remember my first time alone with him, sitting on the edge of a building, over looking the ocean. He had just been defeated in the ring by Cyrus, and even with that still held his head up. By no means can I ever say Parnell is a great man though. He always will be for me, but there are more that would tell you differently. I think the first time I really felt like I was falling for him was after the whole Dizzy's baby thing, when he was taken by someone and was being held captive. I got him out of the hospital and took him to my house to tend to his wounds and help him heal. He left feeling better and carrying a part of my heart with him. Each day after that would seem to only get better and better. At least until Burnt came back into town from his fight training.

Burnt is certainly a part of my life that I didn't know would ever come back. He's truly the first love of my life and one that I don't think will ever change. It killed me that I never saw him, but I went through my days trying to keep the belief that he would be back some day and that we would be back together. I knew that fighting was important to him but I hated that his training for it had to be in another country. You know what they say about time not waiting, well it's true. Time waits for no man. I tried to keep myself for only him, but the heart does grow lonely after so long. And the happenings between Parn and myself were the fix it was looking for. I was both excited and confused when Burnt arrived back home. How could I not still have feelings for my first love? When finding out I had formed a relationship with Parnell, things didn't go well with Burnt. I think the worst was the day he threw the brick through Rader's window with the message telling me to burn in hell. But, things began to get better after that. I guess love can make people do some crazy things.

Even with that things were alright though. Until the day came that completely turned my life upside down and still has got me wondering what the hell happened. That would be the day I decided to take some time and relax on the beach. Instead of a calm, enjoyable day, I ran into Lucas. I wasn't prepared for what happened next. He jumped me before I could even react, and before I know it I was eating dirt and being raped with knife to my throat. Those memories never leave my head. They haunt my dreams day and night and at times I wake in cold sweats, kicking and screaming. I wanted nothing more then to hurt that man as much as he hurt me. I thought for sure I was going to get my chance to. But life isn't as fair as we would all like it to be.

I think it was after that happened that things began to really change. Parnell was hurt by so much that Lucas had done to him, yet he loved Luke like his son. Before he found out about the rape he was still considering letting Luke back in, but he didn't know the man was trying to take from him everything that he could. Eventually a line gets drawn and even those that you love can go too far. and by no means do I believe that Luke's raping me was the reason that Parnell decided to kill him. No, I think it was the last thing that made him believe he had created this.....thing, this monster that had to be put an end to and he was the one who had to do it. Lucas and the others would not be the only thing that was put an end to that day. There was a plan to meet up with Ace and take Lucas out. I gathered my things to get ready, excited with anticipation to hurt Lucas as much as he hurt me. But my time would never come. I still don't understand why, but Parnell would never allow me the satisfaction to get my revenge and close the door. For that, I can't say I can ever forgive.

Lucas is dead, my revenge remains unresolved, my relationship with Parnell is fading because of the hurt and betrayal I feel, and for some reason Jaci thinks I am the one who killed her brother. To top it off, Fire's kid decides to fuck with me and Fire shows up. That dumb ass man cannot find the ability to use his brain, not even once, and hits my hand while I am holding a gun. The gun goes off and shoots his kid in the shoulder. So now he wants me dead as well, not seeing the error of his ways. My world is changing, and it's a scary thing. Noble is going to marry Jaci even though I believe it would be a bad idea. The woman is crazy, and he is one of the most level headed people I know. So I don't understand why he would be doing something so stupid. Parnell is in jail and the only Reject I ever see around anymore is Lex.

I gotta say, the one person I believed the whole time would turn and stab another Reject in the back was Lex. I didn't think he held any real loyalties to the family and truly believed that if it came to picking between Jaci and the Rejects, he would bury the knife so deep into Reject back that it would have to be surgically removed. From this I learned you should never close your mind to a person. Because I also believed that Jaci would never do something like that. In the end, it was the opposite way. Lex proved to me that I was wrong and that the armband he wore was deserved. Jaci proved she wasn't worth the cloth it was made with. I think I ended up hurt by Jaci and surprised by Lex.

I finally got the cast I wore for so long off and also found out some really disturbing news, I am pregnant. I must have cried for two days straight, trying to believe that it wasn't true. but it made sense with how I had been feeling sick for a while. I haven't talked to Parnell since he's been out of town on business and can't really figure out how I'm going to break it to him. As much as I want it to be his, I'm just not sure if it is. We had the most amazing sex while we were both in jail, which was right before the whole Lucas incident. So this child could be his...or it could be Lucas'. I'm torn with both love and hate for it. Thinking I could be carrying the product of of a single moment in time that beamed with love, or the disgusting seed that was planted out of pure hate and revenge. Either way, it's part of me and it's not something I could get rid of.

I've told Burnt of the baby. His reaction for it took me completely by surprise and made me feel like things might actually be ok. I thought for sure he would freak and push me away, even though things had been getting better between us. Instead he smiled and told me he wanted to help me, wanted to be there for me and help me raise it. The reaction from Parnell after I told him was the complete opposite. Instead of wanting to be there for it, he flew off the handle and kicked me out of his house. So my choice is very simple. If the baby ends up being his, I don't know what the future will hold.

I've taken some time to think things over, to try and decide where my future should go. I know things have to change now that there will be a baby involved. I don't want to raise a child in the gang life. Funny that is was something that Lex had said to me that helped me make this decision. He reminded me that life in a gang is short, not to expect to live to 40. That, coupled with Lucas being killed so young, and remembering Tank getting taken and mildly tortured at such a young age. It's no life for a kid. Even with that, it's hard to try and decide to leave the only people I have ever felt were family in this place.

Today I sent a letter to Parnell, along with my badge from Rader. I tried to put my armband in as well, but I couldn't make myself do it. It feels like walking away from my family. In the letter I told Parnell the baby could be his, so to please not come after it or me. That I needed to try to make a normal life for it. He sent me a letter back saying he would be there if I needed, to keep my armband, and that we would be protected under it. I felt a lot better about things, but my heart feels so heavy, I have to keep myself from crying. Maybe someday I will go back, I just don't know right now.

Deciding, perhaps, my experience with gangs and the rougher side of life might actually help someone, I went and got a job as a counselor at the juvenile detention center. I guess it is the first day of my new life. I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm confused, I'm lonely, and I'm getting fat. I just hope things start looking up. Though the kid they assigned to me happens to be Page's kid, the one that claims she is Parnell's kid. Not sure I believe it is his kid, but I think there's going to be hell if she ever finds out I smacked her mom around with my bat. Let's just hope that little tid bit of info stays under the covers. Might not be good for the job. Jaci happened to be at the center while I was there. She had a gun and was shooting the place up, trying to get to see Espi. Seriously, why is she still running around the city free and not locked up in some mental ward? She told me she left Noble, he must be crushed.

I went and visited Noble for breakfast today. I love going to see him when he cooks, it's probably the only time I get to eat really good food. Sadly, he apparently didn't know that he and Jaci were no longer engaged. He didn't seem surprised by it, and actually sounded frustrated with her. It seems that somehow she was brainwashed or something and is going back with the Rejects. I sure hope that who ever did it to her managed to change her brain and deposit some loyalty into the cracks of that peanut. But I find it very doubtful. Sometimes I feel bad for how much hostility I feel towards her. There was a time I felt for her like a sister. It's just hard not to feel hate when I felt so betrayed that she left then, for what ever crazy reason in her head, wanted to kill me. Now what she has done to Noble only gives me more reason to feel she is unstable. I told Noble of the baby at breakfast and he showed only support for me. He's truly a wonderful friend and I feel lucky to have him there for me. Between him, Burnt, Flick, and my new job, I feel like things might be ok."