tomorrow makes 2 weeks since i walked out. Im still a little lost. He said i need to be free....wasnt i already? Maybe thats what i didnt want. I just dont know anymore.

Ive gotten myself a house, renting it with a friend of mine, which, it works, we never see each other, but, neither of us could afford it alone, well, i could if i wanted any of "his" money, but, i think i need to prove to myself that i can do it.

Ive been loosing myself in work again, seems to be my defense against needing to feel. Ive been putting on a brave face, i already scared poor Stephie when i had my episode, my own fault, whiskey and zoloft dont mix well, taking too many of them without realizing it doesnt work well either.

That was the best day though, for me feeling, i was numb, it was nice, i kinda miss that, wish i could have that without being unable to work...

Coy and Calli have been awesome, having me out to the island to help get my mind off things.

Ya know, we were talking about having kids next year, guess that one is gone...maybe its better that we didnt, but, maybe thats why i couldnt keep him.

Im happy with my hair color, i got it done yesterday.

I miss being a mom. I was looking forward to trying to get pregnant, had my surgery scheduled to have my tubes unclamped, but, canceled it, no point now i guess.

Is it wrong i still love him, and wish we could just rewind the past two years?

I need to finish my work here, im stalling, and just cant think today, too much on my mind.