As the title suggests, this is above all else an apology: for my inconsistency, mood swings, failure to follow through, the list goes on but I’ll stop it here. Point being, if I’ve annoyed you in some way during the past several months, I’m probably sorry for it. The easiest explanation would be to say that I haven’t been m yself, but that’s not entirely true; in some ways, I’ve been too much myself—taking my bad habits to eleven, so to speak.

Those of you who knew me prior to last summer may already be familiar with my quirks. Those who met me afterward have seen the same tendencies, albeit on a much larger scale and more frequently. It should be a common tale by now: I see an opportunity to help out on sim, give it my best, see no results and/or feel as though my efforts have gone unrecognized, and retreat in frustration with an unhealthy dose of emo to top it all off.

Aside from the usual, there’s been an added complication over the greater half of last year, as I’ve (perhaps selfishly) been using my time in-world as a bit of an escape mechanism while I try to process what I’ve been going through. At this point I have to finally admit that I’m not totally better yet. I want to be, but quite honestly there’s still a lot in my head (and the rest of my body) that’s not quite right. I have my good days, and they’re great. Then, I have my bad days and … yeah, it gets ugly. Whether it’s the old cliché flashbacks of my crash, or simply being worn down emotionally by various aches and pains—maybe the occasional lung problem thrown into the mix for some variety—at some point I get overwhelmed and end up taking it out on someone who doesn’t deserve it.

That’s when I really start to feel guilty, because there are a handful of you who have been pretty awesome to me through all this. From those who were with me when I was IM’ing one-handed on a laptop in my hospital room (that’s actually happened on a couple different occasions, come to think of it ^^) to the crew at CU who helped make my first comeback event a success … everyone who’s understood when I needed to call it an early night to rest my back, or waited for a ten-minute post when my brain went dead … You’re wonderful. Each and every one of you. So you can imagine how much shit I feel like when I have to tell myself that I’ve done you wrong in one way or another.

I want to do better. I truly do. And I will, sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. Some of you have heard of my plans to migrate to another sim, and I won’t deny that here. The plan is still in mind, yes, but at the same time, as I wait for that to happen, I’m constantly reminded of not only how hard it is to start over, but just how much history I have right here. That’s not something I want to give up. Hell, right now, I’ve half a mind to continue adding to it. There are a ton of people I still haven’t met here, even after all this time. Unexplored territory, plots to unfold, whatever. It’s just the “how” part that I’m stuck on.

I’d like nothing more than to be able to give something back, to contribute to the place where I’ve spent so much time and written so many stories. I just … I don’t know. It never seems to work out. Now, part of that I can blame on me spending eight months broken and medicated, but I know that’s not the whole picture. I don’t know if I’ve just been going after the wrong ideas, or what, but … anyway. That’s another thread, I suppose.

In closing, I’ll simply throw out my usual offer: If you need something—anything—let me know. I like to think I’m open-minded and versatile (and maybe even creative on a good day), and some crazy folks out there seem to think I’m fun on top of it all. Who knows. If I’m going to continue spending my online time around here, I think I might try getting back into the thick of things. Get involved with a new story, fill in the blanks where someone needs it. And, if there are no vacancies for me to fill right now, well … I’ll be around.

Thanks for listening. <3