“A Tyrannosaurus Is Jawing At My Head”

Excerpts from the Twitter account of Princess Lara Swordthain

princesslara Got a new phone for my sweet 16th. Had to pay for it myself of course. Aunt B throwing b’day party tonight. She’s behaving oddly, even for her.
2 years ago

princesslara In tears. I feel sick. Party was an engagement party. FOR ME! No Aunt B I will not marry my cousin! EWWWW
2 years ago

princesslara I’m running away. Rucksack is packed. Safe has been cleared. Window is open. It’s raining and still wearing my party dress. Fuck it.
2 years ago

princesslara On train to Euston. Make up smudged and Vera Wang dress ruined. Aunt B tried to force me into incest. Happy b’day me!
2 years ago

princesslara Aunt B keeps calling. New phone going out of the train window. Tweet later.
2 years ago

princesslara Bonjour. France is beautiful in the summer. I LOVE Versailles. On sad note, can’t claim inheritance until 21. Lawyer says come home. No chance.
2 years ago

princesslara Snowboarding in the alps. Great fun!
2 years ago

princesslara Just got a fright. Saw myself on Italian TV. Missing! Interpol have been alerted. Better keep my head down
2 years ago

princesslara In the colliseum. Something about all this blood and death of ages past that fascinates me. I must be twisted.
1 year ago

princesslara I think I’m being followed.
1 year ago

princesslara I AM being followed. Two men chased me. Thank god for Venice canals. Now I stink though. Poo.
1 year ago

princesslara Secret call with business manager to obtain funds. He hates Aunt B. B has hired PI’s to look for me. Feel like James Bond with boobs.
1 year ago

princesslara Ran into S from school. On her daddy’s yacht. Have had to pretend I’m on holiday too. I’m getting good at lying.
1 year ago

princesslara S’s dad dropped me off in Athens. Going to hike to the acropolis. I’m starting to enjoy all this old stuff.
1 year ago

princesslara Room is being invaded by a squillion cockroaches! HELP!
1 year ago

princesslara Just went cliff diving into the med!!!! Awesome!!
1 year ago

princesslara Time to leave Greece. They’ve found me. didn’t get me though thanks to a cute waiter boy. Thx Andre and your room service cart.
1 year ago

princesslara Single propeller plane rattling and falling apart with turbulence. They don’t make them like this anymore.
1 year ago

princesslara @RJ Yes, I’m alive. Just. Thanks for your concern tweeters. Don’t ask about the plane.
1 year ago

princesslara I look like a native! That’s what a month in the desert will do to someone. Hello Cairo.
1 year ago

princesslara This is the REAL way to see the pyramids. Sneaking in, after dark, no tour guide, no people. Kinda’ creepy.
1 year ago

princesslara Egyptian museum. All this gold and jewels. It’s like girl heaven.
1 year ago

princesslara A TYRANNOSAURUS IS JAWING AT MY HEAD!!!
1 year ago

princesslara Apparently that’s what a real life crocodile looks like. Now I know for future reference.
1 year ago

princesslara Mnt Sinai. Where the burning bush spoke to Moses. It’s the desert though, wtf did a bush come from? That’s the real miracle.
1 year ago

princesslara How do they keep finding me? No credit card. No emails. Time to make like a tree…
1 year ago

princesslara Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. 17 today tweets. Light a candle for me.
1 year ago

princesslara Had my first real drink today. A cocktail. On a beach. In the Maldives. Life doesn’t get better than this.
1 year ago

princesslara Sjd I rjfj qsbsejawa
1 year ago

princesslara @hotstuff Yes, that’s what being drunk sounds like. My head hurts.
364 days ago

princesslara Saw Aunt B today in the papers. She took out a whole commercial asking me to come home. 4 years to go. She’s getting desperate.
360 days ago

princesslara On Safari in Zanzibar.
355 days ago

princesslara Lions don't kill people, cannibals do! I am a witness!
300 days ago

princesslara Ge-tenmorugen No, I’ve not been drinking again. It’s Japanese. Really.
255 days ago

princesslara I’m trapped. In an alleyway in downtown Tokyo. He has a gun. Someone. Anyone. Help
142 days ago

princesslara Locked in a hotel room somewhere in asia. I hope this thing has GPS. Any tweeters out there who can help a damsel in distress?
140 days ago

princesslara @kailong My hero. Rest in peace. Sorry about the bullet wound. Love, L xxx
135 days ago

princesslara Going underground tweeters. See you on the other side.
100 days ago

*this phone is disconnected*