(( Voltiel's third IC journal. ))

If you see me on the streets, don’t look at me.

March 25th 2015

I haven’t written in a journal in a long time. I wanted to start because I want to record everything that goes on. Everything in my head. Right or wrong, it’ll be written here.

Kirvi and Michiaki came for me. They left Hathian and spent a few days with me in Dead End. I thought that was special despite what I was told. It was sincere, and extraordinary. Astonishing that I didn’t have to spend more than one night in the psychiatric ward. They tend to think I need to be there, but They have always been wrong in the past. Just one night, and they showed up at the gate and whisked me away.

I saw two women, but they were half and half. Not women and not quite men either. There was alcohol involved, and oxy, and mention of The Drug. But I didn’t accept the offer. My body was pure for one night longer, and the night after that too. Today, even. I managed to cut the vines away. They haven’t been bothering me since I lost the baby.

I don’t blame Belle and Cas anymore. I don’t blame either of them for what happened to me. That was my body. They created the stress and my body chose not to react to it in that manner. Prison bed. Red sheets red red red red red. Belle, why couldn’t you just listen to what I had to say? I wanted to apologize. I wanted to apologize and I wanted things to be right. I tried to save you, you know. I would have saved you from the HPD and I would have sacrificed you to the Earth as was planned. Like I did Meschiya. But it didn’t work out that way, I guess. And that’s CTRL + ALT + DISAPPOINTING. And that disappointment, like all else in life, will pass.

I miss Kouta.

I miss hearing someone call my name. Maybe she didn’t want to be there, but I purged her of those memories, and I’d do it again. Maybe she’s alright now. I don’t know. I haven’t checked up on her in a while.

I want to address more than just these people. There are more people I want to talk about. People that have been on my mind. Bell, Cas, Kouta, Jace, Kylie, Rachell, Michi, Kirvi, Takeshi Takeshi Takeshi why is he in my head more than the others get out. I’m high right now. Not on Heroin. Not on Cocaine. Not on Cannabis. Not on any sort of poison. Not on Life. I’d like to let go. I’d like to never be here ever again. I’d like to know what it feels like to live by intuition. The war has just begun. It’s just begun.

If you see me in the streets, don’t look at me.

Look right through me.

If you take a long, long look at the void, eventually it will begin to look back.