Wishing on a Dead Star
- Online journal, password protected -

(( Voltiel’s old journal has been buried. ))

4/25/14

Diagnosis:

Psychosis

1. A severe mental disorder in which thoughts and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality.

Postpartum psychosis

2. Postpartum psychosis (or puerperal psychosis) is a term that covers a group of mental illnesses with the sudden onset of psychotic symptoms following childbirth. A typical example is for a woman to become irritable, have extreme mood swings and hallucinations, and possibly need psychiatric hospitalization.

Catatonia

3.Abnormality of movement and behavior arising from a disturbed mental state (typically schizophrenia). It may involve repetitive or purposeless over-activity, or catalepsy, resistance to passive movement, and negativism.

Consult a doctor if you have a medical concern.

My concern is that ultimately it’s been too late to seek help and I don’t know why I ever tried in the first place.

A new journal for a new journey.

Lets write it down, in order.

Jestyr shot me. I lost Kakihara's child.

I nearly bled to death. My psychosis has worsened since then.

I hear voices. I see things - memories. I feel them.

Ghosts.

Flashbacks and nostalgia pain me. It's maddening.

I fucked Michi. He wanted to help me. Kaki doesn't know.

I need to be pregnant. I don't want Kakihara finding out it's dead.

It's a stupid idea. I know it is. I fucked up. It wont work.

You don't have to tell me I'm stupid. I know I am.

Colton kissed me. He agreed to go on vacation with me.

He came into the pent house. I know Kakihara saw.

I'm not in Louisiana right now. This is a good thing. I want to disappear.

Morning sickness. It comes at night. Why?

I raped Meschiya. I want to hurt Tabitha. I want to ruin her.

I've done such terrible things.

Tabitha mentioned Stoneage. Good. Feed the fire.

I cant stop shaking now, though. I cant stop thinking about it. I cant stop recalling that day on the roof in prison. I cant stop thinking of how he made me balance along the edge of the roof. The little laser lights from the sniper rifles on my chest while he fucked my throat. Going into his office, sitting on his lap, not knowing what to do. Just letting him take control. I didn't know. I didn't fucking know. I was young. I shouldn't have been there. I shouldn't have come to Hathian with Kirstan. I shouldn't have lingered after she broke that phone. I keep thinking of it all. Keep retracing my steps like I could go back in time. I wouldn't get the fine for her breaking the fucking green phone. I wouldn't have forgotten about the fine. I wouldn't have gone to prison for the fine. I wouldn't have been raped. It's my fault. I chose to be with Kirstan. I chose to stay with her when they arrested her for tipping over the phone. It was an accident. An accident.

They use him against me. She made fun of me on Twitter. Who does that? I wish he'd just raped me, you know. I wish it was just fucking rape. I wish he hadn't found me after my sentence was over. Why did he fucking go after me? He put me in that apartment. He put me in that crate. He put that fucking COLLAR around my THROAT. Beat me in isolation. Left me there for weeks. And I told Tabitha that, didn't I? Why would she use that against me? It's cruel. Why why why why why. I have to do something worse. Worse. Worse.