Ema sit on the windowsill, staring down at the city, the only light source coming from that window. She turns her head briefly, staring down at Everlee, all curled up in the bed next to one of her many stuffed toys. Ema pressed her lips together, the tears threatened to spill once again. She swallowed and looked down at the empty journal that sat on her lap. She took a deep breath in, lifted the bottle of whiskey that was in her free hand and took a rather large sip. She then put the bottle on the floor and started to write. 

Castiel MacClawden. I've never loved anyone like I loved him. And it scared me.. It scared me when I saw the signs that he wanted to move forwards, to settle down. Every marriage I've ever seen, hell every relationship I've ever witnessed always got worse after marriage. Not even that, everyone I love seems to go away, either I push them away with bad choices, or they die, or something. I was scared and wanted to protect my heart, and by doing so I broke his. He came to Lou's and was drunk, we argued.. He pulled a gun on me, even shot it close to my head.. he then lunged at me and I lifted a hand to defend myself, I didn't think, I was scared.. and that's how my knife ended up in his chest.  I Killed Him. 

She paused and covered her mouth to smother the sob that was trying to escape from her chest. She shook her head and glanced over to Everlee, making sure her baby was still asleep as she quietly stood up and would move to the bathroom, checking on the little girl before quietly closing the door. She let out the sob as she moved and climbed into the tub, curling up and letting the tears flow down her face, hitting the pages of her journal here and there. She shook her head and took in a deep breath, holding it in for a moment before letting it out slowly so she could continue to write.

All I can see when I close my eyes is his face. How broken he looked as he yelled at me, the look of anger and hate in his eyes as he pointed the gun at me.. And then him telling me he loved me as he lay in a pool of his own blood, dying on the floor of Lou's. This is all of my fault, if I hadn't pushed him away he'd be alive, Everlee would have the only father she's ever known.. Li'l Gabe would still have his father and I'd still have the only person that's ever made me feel whole. I deserve to be locked away, deserved to be punished for this, but I don't want Everlee to be without me.. The only thing that stopped me from walking into the HPD station and turning myself in was her. So I picked her up from Ellie's, went home, packed our stuff and left.. we drove all night and now here I am in this motel. I wish I could sleep, but I can't. The moment I try I can hear his voice, yelling at me, demanding to know why, why had I hurt him? Killed Him? I can hear him shouting that I break everything I touch and it's true.  Maybe it would be best for Everlee if I gave her to Ellie, or Rachell to take care of.. I don't want to break her.

She slammed the journal shut and would place it on the floor. She looked around, tears streaming down her face again as she looked for something, anything. It was then she looked at the faucet. She felt like she needed to pay some how, but not much could be done accept this. She leaned forwards and would turn the hot water on, as hot as it could possibly go and sat in the tub as the hot water rained down on her. It hurt, but it wasn't enough. She curled up into a ball and simply cried as the water stung her skin.. but it wasn't enough.