Hathian Gunwoman a "Classy Lady"

HATHIAN (CNN) - New details have emerged in the case of an upstate New York woman whose fiery rampage left the city of Hathian a charred ruin and decimated the population of the small, inbred Louisiana backwater. Known to locals as “that one girl in the beret who is always making people pay for her drinks,” police have identified the woman as Mallory “Scratch” Moorsider, a recent graduate of Ithaca College who, according to professors, “clearly deserved better.”

Residents of Hathian awoke late at night to the sounds of exploding Molotov cocktails and rattling machinegun fire as Moorsider reportedly gunned down local men, women and children fleeing from burning buildings. Rescue workers described the aftermath as “a charnel house of smoldering ash and charred corpses,” and “a vision of the biblical Hell.”

Prosecutors are said to be reconsidering whether to press charges against the 22-year-old woman following revelations that Moorsider is a “creative, witty, intelligent woman who has a lot to offer.” Investigators are said to be questioning “whether Hathian had been negligent in affording her the respect and recognition that she deserved.” In a recent press conference Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal quibbled that “What the state will save in social spending with Hathian off the map should be sufficient to cover the property damage Ms Moorsider caused. We may even end up with some extra funding for the New Orleans recovery.”

Sociologist William Julius Wilson, a leading expert on the so-called “culture of poverty,” commented to CNN that “If you give an iPhone to a monkey, don’t be surprised if he uses it to crack open nuts. The people of Hathian simply lacked the sophistication to appreciate a classy lady like Mallory Moorsider. Did you know that she fences?”

Crime victims’ rights advocates, however, are quick to call attention to the suffering of those who lost loved ones, charging that the major news services have failed to provide adequate coverage of the issues facing grieving friends and families. When asked to comment, a spokesman for CNN explained: “It’s really asking a lot for us to send our reporters into filthy, roach-infested trailer parks just to get footage of drunken, hysterical welfare moms crying ‘My baby! My baby!’”

The literary world, however, has been quick to embrace Moorsider, as media scrutiny has drawn attention to her MySpace page. The New Yorker and Rolling Stone have already expressed interest in hiring Moorsider as a staff writer, while Random House is rumored to be negotiating a book deal. James Wood, former editor and literary critic for The New Republic, commented “Scratch Moorsider is our generation’s Hunter S. Thompson. She belongs on the lecture circuit, not death row.”

“It’s unfortunate that something this extreme had to happen for America to finally discover Ms. Moorsider,” Woods continued, “but as they say, ‘All’s well that ends well.’”