November 28, 2011 - 8:14 pm

As part of my treatment that is being done by both Dr. Callista Kharg and myself, I have decided to start keeping a journal. Something to write down everything that is affecting me in my current state of life. In my training, I know that sometimes getting one's thoughts down on paper is a good way of reanalyzing them, instead of just letting everything whirl around and around and around in the brain, which is a very complicated place at times. For example, a good thought could be happening, then all of a...oh hey, spoon. Now, where to start...

Ever since returning from the evacuation, life has been up and down. I thought I had most of it in check, but the cut noose that Kathryn kept trying to throw at me the Sunday before last keeps telling me otherwise, along with the mark from where i had tried to hang myself. I guess everything over the past half of a year just got to me.

Dusty I think is a big part of why I am not so stable nowadays. I met her while working at the comic shop. She had just moved into town and needed someone to hang with. We had quite a bit in common, and before I knew it, we had hit it off to the point we were totally boyfriend and girlfriend. Then she started seeing these weird things at home...and weird stuff started happening. Like, my old car combusted, and she kept saying she seen a Tiefling haunting her and stuff. Fucking weird. Didn't change the fact that I loved her. I loved her enough to sink most of my savings at the time for a cruise and propose to her. After she said yes, things just...I don't know really. They went downhill, quick. And before I knew it, she was out of my life, like a ghost, leaving me all alone. Been scrambling for something ever since then.

I guess that is why I ended up with Allie...she was nice, seemed stable (boy was I wrong), something that I needed for that time. And, from what I can guess, I just clung to her a bit too much, to the point she just pushed me away. I mean, she's still a friend and all now, but there was a good period of time where we just didn't talk, that I held resentment towards her...granted, I moved on well before she did, but...it was different or so I thought. Meh, whatever.

Then, there was Catling. I don't know any better way to just say that ended up just being a sex and gaming weekend, then she showed her true colors. Funny how when a girl gets injured, the guy is always there for her, but when a guy gets injured, the girl doesn't give a damn. Seemed to be that way each and every time that I've been attacked while at work. With Dusty, I had someone club me with a nail board in the leg, someone else nailed me in the jewels because I wouldn't fuck them, and dropped a shelving unit on me...and with Catling, i got stabbed by a tetanus laced dagger. And you know what, not a damn one of them showed up for me. Not a single damn one of them. Catling said she put an APB out, since she's a cop and all that, but that's like putting a band-aid on cancer...

Sorry dead tree, I am rambling on your corpse.

I don't know what it was about that time, but...women started coming out of the woodwork. You know it's like to have no less than ten women pining for your affection? You have to sit down and realize who is good for you. That person who I really liked out of that crowd is one Stephie Ember. Things have been a trip so far with her...from feeling on top of the world when getting to spend time out on the beach alone. Then, there's been the troubling times. Like, when some dude tried to rape her and stuff...put her in a wheelchair. I spent that weekend taking care of her at my house, and trying to get her to walk and stuff. No matter what it was that I tried, it didn't work...
Of course, there were some fun times during that, like the time she tried to schedule horse riding and stuff. turns out I'm allergic to horses and stuff. She sounded like she had a good time doing that though. Thankfully, sometime after, she ended up getting better...lied to me about it, but given the circumstances, I don't blame her any of it. Not after she got kidnapped for a week...damn bipolar kicked in and I just didn't want to be around anymore.

Kathryn...bless her heart, one of my workers at the shop...always been hanging out and stuff since I met her...things kinda got weird while Stephie was gone. Like, weird in a way that she got pregnant. Stephie still doesn't know, even though she is back, but...things haven't been the same, for either of them. Guess everything changes..

Can't say I've been the best guy along the way...but, I'm trying to be. I am really trying..and hopefully...I can be back to being the guy I really want to be. I really hope so, so I can stop being this down, emo crap that I have been. Don't want to have to put on fake smiles in front of those that I care about, those who I know worry about me.

No...I want to be happy again.

Guess this has helped a bit, opened up more than I should have, but hey, just paper, right?

-D