Innocence should be your own to give away or to lose, we are not pawns in a game of chess for someone to decide where we go or what we do in life. I wish I had known that when I was young.
I was 4 the first time he left.
I don't remember it well, except that he kissed my forehead and told me in Italian "Ti amo principessa , essere buono per mamma va bene" meaning I love you princess, be good for momma okay? I didn't see him for about 3 months after that... a disposable life at the hands of my lush mother. She dabbled in just about every drug out there, on top of her daily fifth of Russian imported vodka... but she never had the money to pay for any of it. I remember the first time the bikers came over, she owed them, and like most times she didn't have the money... they wouldn't give her a rain check that time. I was her collateral, beaten to a pulp, groped... it was a nightmare I still wake up to today. What mother would do that to their child? This went on at least once a week until I was 15 or so, old enough to time up when they would be over, and get the fuck out before I was payment for an 8 ball. My father had only returned to us twice since the first time he left... bringing a case of money, I don't know the amount but it felt like looking at platinum bricks! He would leave and the money would go towards a few weeks worth of binges, before we were back at square one, Lilly as a payment. I didn't know who to hate more, my Mother for not being a day sober in my life, and disposing of me as payment for her extra cirriculars or my Father who left me with the woman knowing I wasn't safe in her hands... He left for good when I was 7... I never saw his face or heard from him again until I was 18.
Two days after my high school graduation, which I though I would never see, I skipped town with some stashed money from a briefcase delivery my father left for us... I never intended to come back to this shit hole, but life has its ways of twisting your arm. My mother had ODed on heroine, was found a few days later by lord knows who. She had outstanding debt towards dealers, and it put a bulls eye on my back the second she passed. I packed up my shit from our grungy trailer at the Palace, changed my last name from Marcello to Nyx for multiple purposes, and started my life over fresh. I wasn't sad at the loss of my mother, does that make me a horrible being? The bitch gave my body away, her own fucking daughter... she gave me away to pay for a few lines of coke. The only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't get to tell her how much I hated her for taking away my innocence.
My father is still alive, he sends briefcases to me still today... I don't know how he knew where I was after my mothers death, how he continues to find me, even after moving several times and changing my name, but every year on the same date I get a briefcase, loaded with cash and a note saying "Ti amo principessa". I burn every note to this day. If I saw him, I don't know if I would dismiss him or try to kill him, but I do know he is not worth calling family anymore… family blood or not is there for you, protects you, guides and provides for you. I'll never forgive him for what he has done to me. It was his fault I was a 5 year old down payment towards a few grams of coke, his fault that I grew up taking care of my mother who was supposed to be my role model, supposed to be my protector, supposed to be my mother. It was all his fault. There will never be enough forgiveness in this lifetime to make up for all those days he was gone. My PI says the briefcases aren't traceable... I think it is bull shit but I'll confirm that while I continue to investigate myself for him. And when I find him… well the day will be epic!
Tired as hell… until another time…
Lilly