*lays a journal out on her bed, simple, black leather bound and begins to write in it*

Dear Diary, (Scratches show to mark through that)

Okay, I'm not starting with Dear Diary... that's lame. I haven't even had a diary or a journal since I was 13 and in Middle school with a crush on Fredrick. But in spite of recent events and all that has happened to me, one of the night nurses suggested I write it down. Especially since I can't really talk about it nor want to talk about things that happen and have happened to me. Frankly, I find it no one's business... but at the same time I want to tell someone. I don't think I'm right in the head.

So, here in a nutshell is what happened. I came home one night to find my door ajar. I didn't really think anything of it.. who would? I live in an old building.. the door dosn't always lock and snap like it should. I heard something upstairs and went to go check it out. I thought maybe Ty was back in town or Michael came to check on me.. plausible in my mind. Wrong. I should of left and called someone to check the house. Shoulda coulda woulda. Regardless, I was met with not only one taser shot.. but two. Before I could even recover I was bound by my hands and feet and duct tape was put on my mouth. For the record, not a comfortable feeling. The man did what most men do and raped me.. tho he was an idiot. He left so much evidence its not even funny. Regardless.. Im not going into how I feel about what he did to me there. What has really gotten me upset is the simple fact that, he didn't just leave me there. No he drug me down the stairs, across the street and threw me in the trash. He..THREW ME IN THE TRASH. Its like I'm not even human anymore. And I can't help but keeping having flashbacks of my body bouncing down the stairs, the pain..and landing in the hazmat waste pile. Being left there..in the rain. Naked, bound and nothing but Trash.

Now I've been told over and over again by my close friends I'm not trash, but why in the back of mind do I still feel like it. I just can't shake it....

I also don't know what the hell I'm doing. I agreed to let James come stay with me, set him up a room in the spare bedroom of the house.. I fell in love with someone else. I miss Ty, and I still want to be with Michael. I want it all. I don't know, maybe I am just trying to feel out and find someone where I'll actually be their 1st..and not their 2nd.

Regardless, I have to go. I am turning my life back around. I called my old Marine Sgt, his yelling into my ear and the bluntness that makes him what he is motivated me back on track... I'm working to bring back me.