OOC: This journal is ICLY private unless it is rped out that it is found or otherwise shared in character.

Ellis opens up the new journal that Danni gave him during their first session. He sighs as he picks up his pen, doodling on the sides of the margins before starting to write in it.

[center:23zjp84u]1/28/2013[/center:23zjp84u]

Danni gave me this journal to write in because I'm supposed to talk about my delusions and all of the shit she's going to counsel me on. How does one get to this point? Everything is falling apart. I am at my breaking point. I feel like everything is crumbling at my feet.

For the longest time I've believed that there are creatures of the night running loose upon this city that I've believed is on the hellmouth.

It started when Buffy claimed that a few crows turned her into a vampire while she was in jail. At first I thought she was crazy just like everyone else. Then one day she came down to the diner looking disheveled and unkempt. She claimed the sun hurt her and she was so hungry for blood. She was so weak and frail at that point. I saw something in her that I never seen before; it wasn't something I could pinpoint but I knew that something was going on. She led me into a shack by the beach, took out her stake and told me to kill her.

I told her I wouldn't. I insisted that I'd find another way; I said I'd do everything I could to cure her. When she insisted that I take her life I offered her my neck. That was the moment it became real. I felt so elated when she opened my neck up and she sucked my blood; it was orgasmic. After that, everything changed. We were connected in a way that no one could ever understand, not even my wife. There was something about the risk and sacrifice of my actions that tied us together forever. I began to see the world in a different light. I had a few beliefs in certain supernatural plights before then but not like this. Buffy opened up my world in a way that set my life on a different path. Maybe it was the catalyst that led to this moment.

Now she's gone. I never got to tell her how much she meant to me and that I love her because she is my best friend. I never told her that. Instead the last thing I told her was that the paranormal beings that we had been fighting for so long weren’t real and that I was getting help because I was suffering from delusions. She ran off, bewildered. What did I think she would do?

Deep down I hoped that she would talk me out of these revelations; I wanted to believe in the supernatural. I still do. It was something extraordinary; it helped me deal with things because sometimes it is easier to believe that someone is a paranormal monster rather than deal with the possibility that they were just an evil human being.

Monsters are simple; you find a way to kill them because they are inheritably evil. Human beings are complex; it's never just black and white. Dealing with monsters was much easier than dealing with actual people. I wish I would have lied and said that my wife didn't want me to hunt anymore or something like that. Buffy would have understood. She would have told me to tend to my wife and leave the slaying to her. Maybe I would have continued in secret. Maybe not. Nothing I do is ever a secret very long in this town. I wish I had done anything but tell her what I was thinking. Maybe she'd be alive now.

A few days before Buffy died Lena and I were fighting about the monsters that seemed to pour into the hellmouth like a plague. She told me that Buffy's delusions were based off this show called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She said that Buffy was a patient of hers and these delusions have gone way back. I felt like a piece of reality had been shattered like glass. A show? I couldn’t fathom how that could be. I mean, there was no way I could be dooped into believing some bullshit from a show. I had asked this girl Kat and Danni about this so-called show and they confirmed it. It was a fucking nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from. Danni later told me that she thinks I have a form of Schizophrenia. What does that say about Buffy? Is she—was she just another Schizophrenic with an acute hero complex? I told Lena I'd get help either way. I wasn't entirely sure I believed it was a lie. It's not that I think Lena would mislead me; I just think it’s possible that she’s supernaturally blind. I am doing this to save my marriage and to find the truth. Wasn’t there a show that said the truth is out there?

I talked to Danni soon after that and she offered to help. We set up a shrink appointment for the next day. I promised I would try.

The night I found out about Buffy, a day or so after my appointment with Danni, I was dealing with Maddie and her douchebag husband when Kat and this other guy told me about Buffy being in the hospital. They didn't know much about her condition; they said that she was unconscious. It was enough for me to drop everything and get to the hospital as quick as I could. When I arrived I talked to the receptionist who took me upstairs to the recovery room. I ran into Taka who told me that Buffy had passed on. He said someone hit her with a JD bottle and she died instantly. I felt like all of the air sucked itself out of my body. I shook my head, refusing to believe it. He offered to show me the body; I would ID her. I knew this had to be a mistake. I was so sure. I mean, she is--was the slayer. How could she be dead? She had died before and came back to life. I saved her from being a zombie once. How could she be dead for real? Can slayers die?

When we got down to the basement he took me to the morgue. When he lifted the sheet and I saw her I was frozen into place, the reality of the situation refusing to sink in. I kept waiting for her to wake up and say something like, "I'm 5 by 5, Winchester. I'm the slayer; I don't die that easy!" I would smirk and say something like, "We've got work to do." and everything would be OK. But she didn’t. And it’s not. Every moment passed slowly and she never came back to life. Her body remained motionless on the table; she was like a pale wax clone of herself. I ran out of the hospital and made my way to the Clam where I bought all of the booze I could afford, guaranteeing a night of numbing bliss. When I woke up it was the next day and I was on the beach. The memory of that night after I left the clam still eludes me.

I closed my eyes and took another drink as the waves rolled by. Then I brushed the sand off my and told Lena I needed some time. I honestly don't remember much between then and when I woke up again; I just knew I was back on the beach. I was hoping for a new reality would surface when I came to but Buffy was still gone and that hole was still in my heart. All I can think about is that look on her face when I said it was all a delusion; she was fine until I ruined it. It's my fault. My disbelief put her at risk. It made her vulnerable to some bitch named Trixy who apparently killed Buffy with a JD bottle. Everyone keeps saying it's this freak accident but I know the truth. She killed her; I don't know how, but it wasn't with some goddamned alcohol bottle. Not the slayer! The bitch killed her and now she's got to pay.

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