April 21- 2014

As the days get closer to the release of my CD, I get more and more afraid. This time the fear of failure is almost crippling. It's not failing a test, or coming on last in a relay race in grade school. This is my life. What If I have some hot single, which they assure this being, and Bam. I'm a fucking flash in the pan. Ending up on VH1's Behind the music, after some Fat, Bloated Boy George story. The Story of Bruce McNamara. because By then, I would dare someone to ever refer to me as Bruce Wayne.. Like Vanilla Ice or some shit.

Rehab bound for the 4th time. Second marriage and 3 kids that don't like me. My Guitar, veronica gone, and hanging up in the Hard Rock cafe. a fucking joke. So Kids can say " Mom, who's Bruce Wayne.. he looks like some fucking homo. " and the dad will but in. " You're right son, he looks like a homo."

I am afraid of success, more than failure. I am going to completely lose her. That's what I have to accept. If I start touring, I won't see her. Maybe that's why I wanted her with me. So she wouldn't forget me. The last piece of anything good in my life, and I don't want to let anybody else have that. Not My piece of happiness.
City to City, I have heard of the potential amounts of ass that will be thrown at me. It doesn't appeal to me.
I don't see myself as a good looking guy. I see me as Bruce.

Women, God, It has been Non-stop. Women that wouldn't look at me twice before. Now are clawing into me, before I make it. Or that's what it feels like. I only trust one woman. Sid. She has full access to my bank accounts, a credit card for Brun Dug with no limits. She is half owner, and Full beneficiary if anything ever happened to me. She has never taken one cent. not one. Business expenses, nothing more.

I don't kiss and tell, it was just how I was raised. I'd never put Sid, or any other woman on blast here to make me seem like some self important dick. If anything, I'd protect them from me. My Dark moods, that many can't handle. My self destructive ways, and the harm that I have done to myself.. causing me to harm others. Coke, heroin, weed, Drunk binges and not eating for days. Nobody deserves that

I have been clean.. sorta for 2 months. I haven't done any hard drugs. I promise. a little weed, and a bit of drinking. Just to help with the late nights in the studio. never with the baby around. I am super careful, since she tried to call me dad. God. me. Dad.. It was a feeling I can't explain. and even worse when I had to tell her no. Explain to her that It's not fair to her dad. I believe she's the kid that should have been mine, deep down.

Rant Rant. and random bullshit. right? I don't do the whole journal thing.. But let's say I make it and die in some firey plane crash. There's my life story so people can't talk shit. I told you all..

My name is Bruce W McNamara
I'm 19 and I am a former Christian.. Bisexual ( That won't ever act on my impulses.. ) Male
I tried to kill myself 2 times. and still counting

( he starts to randomly scribble ) And she is perfect with her imperfections
So Good for me in every way.
She ie perfect with her imperfections. Sometimes I call her just to say. ..

Fucked up..

The girl is a mess. a Hot fucking mess, and so am I..