A black hardbound journal that contains her new thoughts and feelings is hidden at all times. The handwriting is neat and smoothly written from a black ink pen.

12/31/2009

Today is New Year’s Eve, and I can’t help but be excited. Thing have changed, so here I am writing them down so I can remember everything.

So this is it. I’ve started my journey on a new path, and so far I can say it hasn’t been near as rocky as the one I just pulled myself from. I figure I’ve hit rock bottom, and you can’t get any lower than that right? I’m just so thankful for having the friends that I do. Knowing the support that is all around me makes me feel that what I have done isn’t so bad. They keep telling me that I wasn’t in the wrong, and ya know what? I’ve started to believe them. I think this letting go thing will be hard, but we all need a fresh start every now and then.

The biggest part of my fresh start has to be Ellis. He makes me smile and laugh all the time. The touch of his hand on mine makes my heart beat so fast. And when we kiss I feel like I could go deaf from the thudding in my ears. I’m so relaxed and at ease with him. I didn’t think I would find someone to care about so soon after letting go of David, but maybe I should have let go sooner. I feel my wounds slowly starting to heal, and it’s like he is my Neosporin.

I have to be honest though here too for myself. I know of his reputation of being a cheater and liar, and it scares me shitless. I mean I’m working on opening myself up to everyone and to think of someone ripping me to shreds again is scary. I keep telling myself that it’s okay to be scared, but that you have trust to go anywhere. I feel like I can’t go anywhere without someone saying something about how bad he is. I mean I know he’s cheated and done drugs and lots of other things I’m sure I don’t even know about, but can it really be all that bad. Can one person make so many mistakes they should never get more ‘second chances?’ Maybe I’m just ignorant to how bad he really is. Maybe all the time I’ve spent with him talking and just being myself has been all just a bag of tricks and smoke to lure me into his bed which I easily slipped into.

That woman Phoe’s words slip into my mind from time to time. Hearing her blurt out things he’s done wrong and her offer to tell me about what she sees as the “real” him. My temper flared, and I was quick to defend him. It felt good, but it was shocking to see how defensive I really got. On the inside though I was smiling; me defending someone like that is a piece of the old me. I can’t help but to be excited that I’m slowly slipping back into my old ways.

I also recently found out that my SIK sister Lexi is carrying a baby. I am excited for her and her beau Zh. They are really good together, but with his ties to gangs I can’t help but worry for them. Lexi seems to be fine with it all, and I suppose that is what counts in the end. I sadly feel as though I am drifting away from my sisters. It’s like I’m losing a family again, and I don’t know what to do to stop it. I want to be involved, but I just don’t know how to get my foot in the door again. I hope that I can get back in with all of them soon. Otherwise I think I’ll just end up on my ass again.

I don’t think of this change as a New Year’s revolution or anything because I simply don’t believe in them. I will, though, work hard to keep myself happy. I know there will be ups and downs, but I’m going to work hard to have more ups than downs. Seems reasonable right?