Ellie sits down on her couch, lifting the laptop up and over onto her lap. She grabs a pillow, tucking it under the traveling computer. Now opening it up before typing her password in, pressing enter. The main desktop screen stares at her. It's a picture of her mom and dad at the park with her. She stares into the eyes of the little six year old red-headed version of herself. The light was so bright in those green eyes. She takes in a deep breath, fingers gliding on the mouse pad to open her Word program. Clicking on the little link so she could start a new document. She begins to type away...

I really have no idea what to write about, I just had this feeling like I needed to.

A few days ago tried to kill myself. I was almost successful at it. Caspian and Vampira saved my life. Part of me is grateful that they did. I could have really missed out on a good life. The thing is, what if it wasn't a good life. I could end it early. That's not exactly the reason why I did it in the first place.

I feel constantly tormented in my own head. I just feel this overwhelming sadness that I can't shake off. My brother Seth said something about that there was this cloud over me. That I was stuck in my own misery. I know he's right. It sucks that he's right. I use to be such a happy kid, I wish I could pin point where that all started. Not that it would matter, can't reverse the past.

Lately, things just keep getting progressively worse. Nothing too epic, just constant things happening. I think it started with Lia. She had gotten hurt so badly. Gun shot wounds everywhere, beaten up. It hurt me that she was hurt. I wish I could do something about it, but I couldn't. It's the point I know that help push me forward into the darkest parts of my mind. Lia survived somehow. I have no idea how, but she did. Unfortunately, her mind didn't. Some kind of personality took over, it was just awful. I felt like she raped my mother's mind. Stole her away from me. I was angry. I'm still angry! Part of me just wants to make her suffer for doing it, but then the other part of me is wishing Lia would come back.

The next day, I beat a cop. Which got me in trouble at work. That really isn't the issue, but I feel like I fucked up.

Later that night, I got a text from Alex. She's suppose to be family or something. I have been angry with her and Jackson. I had felt abandoned by them both. I knew a secret of their's and I told it. I was just so angry with them. They drop their friends to fuck around with each other in secret. It isn't right. I saw on Twitter that Jackson abandoned his friend Cort, and I was shocked cause I thought it was just me. I could understand if it was just me. I'm not good company, but no, he did it to her too. I felt so bad I wanted her to know what was going on. That just made Jax and Alex angry. They no longer want me in their life. I hate myself.

I hate myself. I really do. I hurt people I care about. I hurt Seth too. I thought he was doing something bad to me, but it was misunderstood. And I just...

I hurt people.
I hurt people.
I hate me.
I hate me.

I'm scared to live by myself. I'm afraid I will do it again. There are moments when the thought never leaves my head. And then, I get people angry with me. I feel like they just don't understand what's going on. You don't want me around. You don't even try to talk to me. Why would I want to stay around when people don't even care enough to reach out to me.

I can't do this. I'm so angry right now. I'm incredibly hurt. I feel like I'm drowning and can't seem to save myself. I just want to scream and rage and hurt others. I wish I could just let it all out. I hate this I hate this I hate this.

I can't do this anymore, I'm hanging by a thread here and NO ONE SEEMS TO FUCKING GET THAT!!!!!

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She then spell checks and saves into a folder called "Journal". Closes the laptop and heads for bed.