James' letter writing back and forth with Sidda and his blog post made me want to actually utilize the forums myself! I certainly can't DM the whole message to him via tweets, and it's kind of a nice journal-ish summary enough that it seems to fit here.

So here it is, a letter that is sent to James in his Arizona prison. This is written in black ink on pink paper. Inara's handwriting looks like the print in a newspaper, with the lower case letter 'a' having the curved line above the lower bubble part of the letter, rather than one big bubble with a tail. She spaces her words well and writes pretty straight, even though the paper isn't lined. Anal retentive much?

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Dear James,

Do you know how long it took me to write that? I wanted to put 'dearest' maybe, but then second guessed myself that might seem insincere or too formal in text. Then i thought maybe 'my dear James' but I don't want to lay claim to you, since we're not together, and it might make you think I was too clingy or something. So that ruled out 'my love' and just plain 'love' so yeah. 'Dear' will have to suffice. I'll never finish this letter if I debate over every word so each line takes me three days. So now I'm just going to just write and write and not re-read, so forgive any rambling.

I'm sorry I haven't written to you before this. I really do. You probably could have used the company but I needed the time without you to get over you enough that I could move on. It sucks that we had to make ourselves more lonely so that we could be kind to each other. I'm sure you went through something similar after we broke up. I think life is easier without my first urge in the morning being to call you, only to remember that i can't. I no longer hear a text come in and get all giddy thinking it might be from you. Time has helped.

I kind of hoped it was the same with you, and that that's why you didn't write. Or that it was a similar 'it'll be easier on him to not hear from me' idea that kept me from reaching out to you. But I couldn't stay quiet and let you think I could forgot about you so easily. I also wasn't sure if I should even write at all, since we broke up, and to a lot of people that means that they never want to hear from you again. I'm still your friend though, at the very least. I'll understand if you don't want to hear from me though, if it's easier on you or you're not ready yet.

I guess I'll tell you some things that are going on with me. I see my daughter Kaileigh a lot. Her adoptive parents let her visit me one weekend a month. Her mom seems wary of me and flipped out over 'false idols' when Kaileigh mentioned the Buddha statue in my room. I calmed her down enough explaining that I didn't worship it and it was just a representation that I paid respect to, nothing religious. But then she sent Kaileigh with a bunch of christian storybooks in her bag during her next visit. As if reading the story of a big flood and a ridiculous boat of animals was going to convert me? We get along adequately though. And this last weekend, I just got the news that the whole family is going to move to New Orleans this summer! This is mainly so I can be a real part of my daughter's life, but Mr. Tyler also has a job offer there or something. I really doubt they'd uproot their whole family if it wasn't for me. It makes me like them more for wanting Kaileigh to be happy and have a chance to know her real mom. Or it could be that they're afraid if I sought custody for her, I'd win and they wouldn't have her in their life at all anymore, I suppose. But at any rate, they've raised her well. She calls me 'bunny mummy' because of a book her parents gave her. It's about a squirrel family who adopts a bunny. So I'm her bunny mummy.

I got my green card. It was a lot of annoying paperwork and studying for the test and stuff, but I got it. No more T-Visa for me. In a couple years, I can even be naturalized. Speaking of tests, I'm trying to hire a tutor for me so I can get my GED. I don't know if I'll ever go to college or anything like that, but if I'm going to help Kaileigh with her homework when she moves here, I'm going to need to know a hell of a lot more than I know right now. I got a practice test online and the math section was a complete mystery to me. The science was almost as bad. Surprisingly, I did ok with the English, but the history needs work too. So yeah, that's my new project for the upcoming month or so.

I still have the gallery but… some terrible stuff happened. It got robbed again, this time during the day, while Linda, Louis and I were all there. I got a little hurt, but Louis got killed trying to protect me. He was murdered right in front of me and it's been really hard to deal with. I wasn't -that- close with him but I'd known him for years. I felt safe with him. Even though he was kind of a sexist asshole, he was my friend. I had to wait in the gallery for the coroner to come cart his body away, and I was in shock. I thought 'whoa, I'm really shaky. I should call Louis for a ride.' How sad is that? Linda quit. I was pretty sure I was going to close the gallery. The thieves made off with all the watches and jewelry and selling jewelry was the only real constant significant source of income. The art sales came in spurts, and sometimes it wouldn't have paid the bills by itself. Louis got killed over jewelry, so there's no way I'm going to still sell it anymore. I posted on twitter that I was going to close the gallery but there were a few people who encouraged me not to so I'm going to give it a try.

I'm actually hiring Jayda to work there. She's from California, so she knows how to be snobby enough to deal with the rich customers who kind of expect that. I do terrible with them. Linda was good at it. I guess Jayda is my new Linda. I know Jayda has tried to screw me over in the past, but she needs the money, it sounds like, and she doesn't even mind working with no security guard, so it's not a bad fit for now. It'll save me some money. She'll be nice to me while she needs the job, And there's a part of me that hopes she really isn't doing drugs and going overboard with drinking like she says, and that she deserves a good job to help turn her life around. I'm trying not to get too hopeful though. Jayda is to me what Ellis was to you, in a lot of ways. If it backfires, I'm sure I'll feel useless in my inability to help and make a difference. But it's worth the risk, I guess.

Oh, I forgot to mention, Louis' family gave me his car. I can't drive, but I now own a car. I guess they knew he drove me around a lot and figured I could use it. I need to find someone to teach me how to drive the damn thing. Kaileigh told me 'I know how to drive, bunny mummy! Watch!' and she got behind the wheel (it wasn't on) and made engine sounds and pretended to turn the wheel. She rolled down the window and yelled 'stay in your lane, jerk wad!' so I'm guessing Mr. Tyler has some road rage issues.

Angel is doing all right. She's maintained her weight and eats the meals I pack for her even without Mrs. M following her around, watching like a hawk. She still looks too skinny to me, but she's just above that sliver of 'healthy weight' on the BMI chart so I'll cope. She competes for my attention when Kayleigh visits, like a jealous older sibling. It's kind of funny and annoying at the same time. She's still working as a detective at the HPD, and I guess she's doing better than last time. I know she's had conflicts with Stonage, but ever since Bilour stepped down, she does all right. I also know from Sidda that Angel is no squeaky clean cop anymore. She roughs people up enough that some of them want revenge on her or something. Sidda gave me a heads up, since she knows Angel and I live under the same roof. We've got good alarms and cameras and stuff though, so I'm not too worried about myself. I can't protect Angel from reaping what she's sown though.

I'm spending a good deal of time with Poe still. She's got her life on track for the most part and isn't running around doing senseless violence like she used to. She's had a set of twins, and moved into a big house with Piaget Hax, her boyfriend. They seem good together. She sold the Clam after it got knocked off for the bazillionth time, and she's trying to decide what to do next. I had to bail her out the other week, but it wasn't her fault. She's got an asshole cop after her who arrests her whenever he gets the chance. She was just washing her kids' clothes at the laundromat when he arrested her for 'assault' and some shit. Hathian. Meh. She's started drinking again though and that's never good. That's when she runs around doing that senseless violence.

Writing about mind altering substances though… I know weed isn't addictive but after Louis was killed, I started smoking a whole lot. I wanted to feel numb and avoid the grief, and it helped a bit. Somehow having Louis gone made me miss having you in my life more. Maybe because he was the only man in my life at the time? So I smoked more so I wouldn't have to deal with that emotion. Then dealing with insurance people for the gallery and crying twins that Poe wanted me to watch… weed helped. It seems like the last two months have been spent high, with the exception of sober weekends when Kaileigh visits. I even got a citation for smoking in public, which I wouldn't have done if I wasn't already high and not thinking. It's not just for the nerve pain in my hand anymore. Maybe I should cut down. I do a lot of good painting when I'm high though. Apparently I write a lot when I'm high too… since I'm on page three here already. My fingers hurt.

I went to Caileigh Kharg's wedding last weekend as a bridesmaid. She married Jack Hartigan. I don't know him at all, but I threatened that if he hurt Caileigh, I would come down on him with the white hot fury of a thousand ninja warriors riding samurai, wrapped up in shaolin monks. So hopefully he will behave himself. It was great to see Callista and Coyoti Kharg too. They don't think much of Hartigan, but the wedding was nice. Though it was no Klingon wedding. I got a little tipsy and gave a toast and everything. I said something about how the Khargs taught me that the best part of life was having the balls to live it, and went on about how I hoped Caileigh and Jack would grab life by the balls, and then ended it with 'to balls!' and everyone said 'balls!' It was great!

So yeah, that's about it with me, in a nutshell. I so don't understand that phrase. Why would you put anything in a nutshell? If it's a peanut shell, it'd be all flakey and shit because you had to break it open to get the nuts out to make room for the summary you want to put in there. Maybe it's like a walnut shell? I guess it could mean that you somehow put your summary in the nut without opening it, so it's nice and contained and… nutty? Anyway, I yammered on about me, because this is a letter and it can't be a conversation. But I do hope you're doing all right. You don't deserve to be in jail, but from my visit, it looked like that prison was more like a recreation center. A recreation center with guards and bars and really bad food, but still. Hopefully you're not too miserable.

I'm not sure when you're up for parole, but I wanted to let you know that if you get out, and you're not sure where to go, you can call me. Your house got sold and your stuff is in storage and I'm not sure what Sidda's living situation is. I tried to stay in her life and offered her help. I think maybe I wanted to keep you as part of my life through her, so I seemed clingy. She didn't like that and wanted to be independent. I eventually got the hint. She might have a place for you, but you're also welcome to stay with me until you figure things out. You hear that? Not just tolerated, but welcome. I know you enough to suspect that you're probably beating yourself up a lot, thinking people are better off without you. Well that's not true, Mr. Mattfield. You are an awesome individual who deserves to be happy, and there are people I know you make happy too. This phase of your life will end, and you should focus on the cool things you'll do in your next phase, rather than concentrate on how the last one went and focus on the negative parts.

So now, rather than putting this down and fussing about how to sign it for another three days, I'm just going to fold it up and send it. I miss you. I miss you in ways I probably shouldn't miss someone I broke up with. Goodbye for now, James.

((It's signed with Chinese characters))