She had been out running. The one thing she used to rely on to take the frustrations away, push it all out or run harder. In her mind she imagined outrunning every problem that she had ever dealt with. Today she ran further, faster and harder than she had for a long time. The pain in her chest as her lungs felt ready to explode. But she kept pushing herself harder and harder. Her iphone playing the same track over and over again. 'lights, pretend'. When she finally had enough of running and had pushed her body as far as it could handle, she slows to a walk making her way down the pier. Sitting herself down at the very edge. Of course, she had no paper with her, she kept it all on her iphone. And so she would begin tapping on her screen adding in the entry of the day.

I feel like I am losing direction in life. The more I try to find a purpose the harder it becomes. I have done some less than smart things as of late. But so much is happening around me, I feel like I am standing in the centre of a tornado and watching my life around me be torn up and destroyed. Everything I ever new, was untrue. All the pain and hurt I went through, was pointless. Grieving the people I care about only to find they were never gone. This is confusing, I have nowhere to really start.

So I kissed Ling that day. I never thought I would have, or could have. And just when I thought it was okay that I had done it, he told me he was sorry for it. But that was okay, I could handle that. It was the part that happened after. After I ran away from him. The man who claimed to be my father...John is his name. I still don't know the truth, I'm not sure I want to. My mother told me he was dead, all of those years I believed he was. Now I don't know what to believe. How can I trust my mothers word when she 'died' too? when she let me believe I had lost her. That day, I remember it like it was yesterday. Like being pulled into a never ending black hole facing life without a single person to care for me. I was 15 and I had to arrange her funeral. I had to hold my sister when she cried for her mommy. So two parents dead, yet two parents alive?

Karn took us in though and I will forever be grateful to him for that. He took us in before my mom died, when she stopped caring for us, he stepped up. He didn't have to which makes it all the more respectable. And this is why I wish I hadn't acted the fool the last couple of weeks. I made poor choices that I know would look bad on him. He raised me to be better than that. He taught me self respect and respect for others. I should have known better. Perhaps one day he will forgive me?

But the worst thing this week, the worst of all of it, was being terrified Ema would die. That feeling I got when I read that she was in critical condition. I have this paralysing fear of people I care about dying. I guess I can thank my mom for that. But Sidda's name came up too. When I went to see Ema she spoke of how the man had done the same to Sidda. I still find it hard to accept Sidda is gone. Out of all the people that came back from the dead, I wished it would have been her. But honestly, I don't know if I could handle losing anyone else, especially not Ema.

And then there is Ling. He is still a mystery to me. No matter how hard I tried to not let him in, to keep him from getting close to me, it still happened. He told me the other night that he isn't a good person. But who is? who is truly good and pure? no one. I'm not good either. I have done horrible things too. I'm scared if I tell him everything, he will turn his back on me. Maybe I am in too deep? One person closer is another person to lose.

She lets out a sigh because even after all of that. After tapping out all of it, it hadn't even scratched the surface of the problems that gripped so tightly at her, it became hard to breath. One day though, she might be able to turn it all into something that makes sense. Something that brought a smile rather than more of the confusion.