I don't know why I wrote Makai on the front of the book. It's Hawaiian. Big suprise. It means 'on the seaside, towards the sea or in the direction of the sea'.

I guess it's how I think. Which is weird. I'm always thinking about the ocean. Like, out in the middle of it all where it's glassy calm and perfectly silent. Sometimes the water changes. It gets upset, storms rage and swells ripple when I get angry. There's a grey, foggy drizzle when I'm sad. But it's always there, in the back of my head.

Wow, what a nuts way to start my first entry in a journal. I mean, who ever actually reads these things? It's locked in the glove-compartment of my Combi when I'm not writing in it. So, is it for me to look back on? Because if I'm going to be reading this a few years from now, I'm going to be debating my mental state.

So, I should write about what's going on. But there's so much stuff that has gone on, in my past, that maybe I should mention that first. I don't know. I'll just write the first thing that comes into my head.

No. I can't write about that. Not her. Not yet. Because it's not right. I shouldn't be, should I? And surely asking myself rhetorical questions in my writing is just another nuts thing to do. Gah. Maybe I think about Makai so much to keep myself sane. Alright, let's try it.

Kaylin. I'm actually smirking that's the first thing to put in my journal but it's been the biggest thing happening right now. And I feel bad about that because Lexi's having a baby and Buffy is having some problems and here I am thinking about a friend. Friend.

Hm. But that's just it. Okay I lost track of what I was writing. Note to self, don't write text messages while making journal entries.

Right. So. Maybe it's better to write about Lexi. Who is amazing, by the way. She's just so special to me it's hard to even put into words. The changes she's gone through recently! I'm not sure I've ever seen a more beautiful pregnant woman before in my life but she's just gorgeous. I tell her as often as I can but it's not a weird thing. We're really close. I mean, we have history together. If you could call it that. Back when she was with Trinus we were getting to know each other. We'd spend hours sitting up in my van, eating noodles and listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers.

Note to my future self reading this. If you don't think the Red Hot's are your favourite band of all time then you can't call yourself Ethan Constantine any more. So, um. Go listen to some. Or something.

So yeah, Lexi. There was that brief moment when she had broken it off with Trinus and I thought maybe we could make a go of things. Try to deepen our friendship and see what happened and then my bastard fucking (really glad no-one else can read this I hardly swear) dad had to go and die. Yeah I'm angry at him. I mean, mom left me when I was little but I actually knew my dad. He wouldn't quit smoking. I kept telling him to fucking quit smoking and now look. Six. Feet. Under.

No, that's wrong. My dad isn't a bastard. He is (struck-through) was the best thing in my life. Don't get me started on Ada because I never want to have to choose. He was awesome. Jonas Constantine. I always try and mention his name if I'm thinking about him because he deserves to be remembered.

It's been a year now since he passed. It's not long. Not long enough to move on. I still miss him. Sometimes find myself dialling his old cell number. I didn't delete it from my contacts. Sometimes it rings three or four times and I hear it go through to a generic voicemail. Then I realise. Once I. Well. I left a message. Is that nuts? I mean, that number's probably someone else's now so they have me crying and spilling my problems out and just wishing he was back.

So yeah once the funeral was done and I took some time out I came back and Lexi was pregnant. Turns out she'd gotten with someone. Which was okay I mean we didn't make anything official but I could have punched something at that moment. Lexi was and is still in my heart. I can't take her out now and she'll always be there. So maybe the best thing I can do is be the best friend to her I can. She's having the baby soon. I saw her yesterday when she was turning in her final paper and she looked good for a woman about to pop. I found myself getting really defensive of her, like, she had a little pain and I almost panicked. Gah. My head.

Maybe I should stop here. Keep the entries to one or two pages. I'll write something tomorrow probably and go into things more. Which is weird coming from me because I'm the one going into things with myself. I swear people must do this in their journals. Right? Worry about the slightly crazy feeling they have of talking to themselves on a page they will only ever see? Okay I'm just spinning myself out. Makai.

Until tomorrow. Aloha.