Since I lost my memories, well alot of them, I have been struggling with who I am and what has happened to me. I found an old journal I used to keep and that has helped alot, but there are still years and pages missing. There are a few things I have learned about myself though.

- i am the mother of 4 wonderful kids, and two on the way
- i was married at one point
- i was in a gang and my relationship with my cousin was actually better than i remembered

But thats all. I know I am not a cop anymore, that ended some years ago, now I don't know what I am. There are still days that are a blur to me, or that I don't remember.

I finally tracked down and talked to Lex this morning, it was good I did. I don't really know how I feel about him honestly, I mean he is a Reject but there is just something. I don't know, something nagging at me about him. I don't think that he actually cares but I think he needs me. I want to see where this relationship goes, but I needed some answers from him.

I had lunch with a cute cop, Mike. Someone from back home, kinda makes me miss New York but at the same time my whole life and family are here. My sister of course had to come running in during it, it was nice to see her but i was trying to make a move. Didn't really matter he had to go back to work so yea.

I went to see Dr. Ansar after that, I needed to have a check on the twins to make sure everything was progressing, I asked Xan to be there, since they are his kids but well he never showed. Probably off knocking up another chick, wouldn't surprise me. I wonder if I had stayed after I beat up Paulie, would he still have left me for her? I mean I was his rebound after Jo, what if something goes wrong with this chick? Will he come running back to me too? The problem is, I still love him but I had no choice, I had to get out of town and lay low for a while, I was coming back, I wanted to be with him. Doesn't matter now I guess, he has moved on, found some other girl to play happy family with, leaving me alone and pregnant with his kids. I don't think I will ever find my happy ever after.

Paulie. Ugh he is going to get Blake killed. I swear that man is a cancer.