((purely for RP only in CD, these are the private thoughts of Lilana Macbain))

*After a long day in Hell, Lilana decides she needs to get things out of her system. And since she lives alone and right about now would probably kick someone's ass if she stayed on the streets, she heads home and pulls out a notebook. It has various poems written inside, pictures that are dark and twisted, but this would be the first time she's actually put pen to paper to write her thoughts. Welcome to Lilana's journal, where darkness reigns.*

I ain't one to write down my emotions and thoughts ... normally bottle em up. It's how I've survived all this time so why change right? I mean if ain't broke ...

But yeah that's how I used to think. I swear livin in Hell sure can make or break ya. Hell .. that's what I call it but it's Hathian, good ol Hathian. Man who would think that my ass would be back in this town? And here I am months later, still roamin the streets of Hell, but this time I'm in uniform. Yep, the good side of me said .. "oh hey let's be a cop." ... glutton for punishment much? *she pastes a picture of her in dress uniform from her official swearing in ceremony* Yeah that was a good day, made me feel proud of myself.

But anyways ... so like I been dealin with a lot of shit lately and it's all just been buildin up. I swear I'm bout ready to explode. I would go to a shrink but they prob just say to write shit down, what the fuck do they know eh? I mean they make ya lie on a couch with their eff'd up accents askin you to talk bout ya past. Dude why don't they just tell me, you fucked in the head but don't worry it could be worse. Noone really knows this side of me, it's the side that lives in the darkness ... that wants to escape but can't ... that wants to dictate but gets denied. I call it my demon. Sure on the outside, I'm a sweet girl ... don't really start no shit, try to keep my job legit despite the fact of the rumors spread about HPD. But on the inside, I'm cryin out ... tryin to make my way thru life and this demon wants so bad to take over me. ME! I don't know why ... *she makes a drawing of demons eyes hidden behind a faceless mask* ... hey that drawin ain't too bad, guess I didn't lose that artistic side afterall.

So where do I start? So many people I met, some I wish I could just choke the livin shit out of and some I wish I never did meet ... ah the price of being HPDs finest. I guess these twisted feelins that I kept hidden for so long resurfaced after I got into my first altercation ... wound up with a couple a busted ribs and a bruised shoulder ... hurt like a mothafucca. But that fuctard Fire and his girl enjoyed a all-star luxury vacation with Bubba... not to mention I got a few good hits on his ass, felt good as fuck. But ever since then, I feel myself bein torn between good cop and bad cop. Na, I never think about doin anythin intentionally but sometimes ... I just think bout things. Like how it would be if I actually did do something. It's that demon in me. Sometimes I worry that it'll win one day and I'm gonna find myself bein what them rumors claim. I wish to the high heavens above that I could stop thinkin this way ... haven't I been thru enough in my life? Now I gotta fight the battles on the streets along with the battle inside of me.

But I have met some cool people too, tho trust is not somethin I've given most of them. Maybe one that I can think of off the top of my head ... they know more about me then anyone I think. But this isn't somethin I wanna just blurt out. Honestly, it scares me ... I don't like feeling evil or wanting to do things because. I'll just take it one day at a time, do my job how I was trained ... live my life how I want to.

On a side note, I was hangin out in front of the Gein earlier and some dude came up to me tryin to make casual convo. Askin me bout my iPhone and shit. He looked young, prob a teen ... naive as all fuck ... gave me his full name. Who the heck actually does that? But anyways, his name was Caylen O'Hanlon, the First. I wonder if he's related to that thug Doolin, gotta check into that. So like he was goin on bout this and that and then asked me if I wanted to buy some dope. haha yeah dipwad was hella naive he had no clue I was a cop. So I'm like thinkin to myself, hmm I'm off duty I could soooo make this bust easy in street clothes right? So I played along, poor naive fool was ready to head to the alley thinkin he was gonna make this deal right? Then outta nowhere, this chick comes up and fuckin makes me out strikin up convo with his ass and sayin "evenin officer" maaaan I swear I wanted to slap that bitch so hard she'd wind up in a different zip code. So long story short, Caylen O'Hanlon, the First ... got away but ain't forgotten.

I go back on duty tomorrow, I'm so lookin forward to it. It's been a week and I'm goin stir crazy. Well fucked up journal o'mine ... I'll get at ya manana see what the day brings.