((Author's note: This is the IC journal of ten year old Ryder Millet. It's in a handwritten journal at his house so this cannot be read IC unless there is a scene involving a character stealing it. Thanks for reading!))

Ryder took out a new composition notebook and stared at it a long time. He threw it on his bed and went to get a permanent marker and put "Keep out! Do not read or you will die! Property of Ryder Aaron Millet." in all caps. He smirked as he put the cap back on the marker and then threw it on his bed carelessly. He picked up his black inked pen and opened the journal and started to write, smile fallen and replaced with a sullen expression.

July 30th

Dad said I had to write down feelings and stuff because he doesn't want me to go to a shrink. Maybe he's afraid that the people who steal children will take me like they took Kirston a long time ago because dad fucked up again. I don't want to but it's not like I got a say in anything.

Anyway, I'm gonna introduce myself in case future people find this and want to know what it's like back in the day. My name is Ryder Aaron Millet and I'm ten years old. I was born on February 28th. I had 12 brothers and sisters but one of them died. Her name was Kirston and she was from another mother named Kirvi though my mama and dad raised her. She was 18 when she died.

I have a sister named Alex and she's a bitch sometimes cuz she can be really mean. I have another sister but I never met her and I don't know who she is. My parents doesn't talk about her. I also have a sister named Nevah. She's Liam's mom but for some reason my mama and dad raise him. She is really weird. She has a twin brother named Tristan. They used to live with us when I was young and there was a lot of angry banging on the walls and shouting angry words. But they left long time ago.

My sister Buffy is in jail for people under 18. She should be getting out soon but I don't know when. I don't know what she did though. Those are my siblings that don't live with us. Nade, Sasha, Willow, Cerise (my twin sister), Elijah, and Mason live with us. Then of course as I said before Liam lives with us. I dunno how we related since he's my sister's son but he is like a brother to me so I like to count him as my brother.

We all live in a house that is too small. I room with my brother Sasha. He's 14 and is Nade's twin. They don't like to hang with me cuz I'm younger. Willow used to play with me but she's 13 now and just acts like she gotta protect me. I don't need protection. But I guess it's nice to know she gives a shit. I like video games and drawing. I also like to skate, skateboard and eat cake. I love cake. I wish I could eat it all the time but I don't want to be really big like my dad was before some surgery that made him lose a lot of weight. He had to be in a wheelchair and was sick a lot and that don't sound fun to me.

We got three goats. A mama, a daddy, and a baby named Kirston. Dad named her after my sister that died. The mom goat is named Kaylee and the dad goat is named Michael. I love the goats. They poop in perfect little tiny pebbles. It's funny. How come I can't poop out a pebble? I want to poop pebbles! I dunno. That's me and my family I guess.

I haven't said nothing since I saw my dad in the hospital after he was shot right in front of me at Bottoms Up. When I visited him in the hospital I hugged him close to me and told him I love him. I told my mom I love her too. Then I went quiet. I don't want to speak. I don't want to think. I don't want to eat. I don't want to play. Nothing seems to be worth it. Every moment goes by and I wonder if the next one is gonna be when someone I care about dies.

That man almost took me hostage after he shot my dad. I thought I was going to die. I really did. Any minute could be my last or anyone's. I lost my sister earlier this year and now I've nearly lost my dad. I keep waiting for death like we have a lunch date. I wait and it never comes. No one understands. Fuck this town.

August 1st

Dad told me that he wanted to deliver a present to Rachell. I thought they were finally making up. I didn't like that they were enemies. It made me fuckin confused. Mom and dad said real mean things about Rachell but she don't seem like a mean person. It's confusing. When I delivered the box to Rachell somethin was wrong. I dunno what it was. But it was wrong. She went off really fast. She said she'd be right back. She said to wait in the Bakery but she didn't come back. She never came back. I asked dad what the gift was and he wouldn't say. I asked Rachell if I done anything wrong. She said I hadn't.

Later on I saw on my shirt there was red on it. I guess it was from the box. Were they burgers in there? Why would that make everyone act weird? Paint? I don't know. I'm confused.

What was in that box?

August 2

I like to draw pictures. I draw a lot since I stopped talking. I drew a picture of Ellis when he was REALLY big sitting down with bullet holes in his chest and a needle in his arm. I accidentally saw dad with a needle in the bathroom one time. I never forgot it neither. He acted all funny after. I found out later he was high. I been high on weed before but it wasn’t like that. I don’t know what it was. When you see your dad all fucked up leaning against a bathtub droolin with his eyes half closed how do you explain that? I was younger when I seen that but it always sticks in my mind. It sticks in my mind even when he acts all twitchy and angry.

His eyes went all weird and he cursed more. Then sometimes he came home late at night and I didn’t sleep because he vomited all night. I used to think he was sick a lot but now I know that he was hung over from being drunk. He was drunk a lot. It’s better now but he doesn’t come home a lot either. Mama said it’s because Rachell keeps attacking him. It’s confusing. Rachell is so nice to me yet mama and dad hate her so much and say she does bad things. Mama admits that it’s hard because dad isn’t home but we get by. Why can’t dad stay home and deal with it? Him staying away don’t help nothing. Besides I always afraid that he get shot on the street and then never come home. I don’t think he should leave our house no more. I’m scared dad is gonna die.

The street aint all bad. I was drawing and a nice lady taught me about shading and it looked real cool. Anyway, about my picture. I also colored the bullet wounds red and the area where the needle went. I called the picture dad because that's who was in it and that's who it was about. I had pizza with two cool adults named Cas and Belle at the Pie Hole. But the pepperoni looked like bullet wounds and I didn't want to eat it anymore.

Rachell took my picture when I showed her it yesterday. I hope it's because she liked it and not because she thought it was trash. I asked her but she didn't tell me nothin. Adults never tell me nothin and so I won't tell them nothin.

August 12

I found this under my mattress. I don't know why I am botherin' to write here. My dad went to jail and then they put him with the crazy people. I don't know why. No one will tell me. I don't think it matters. Nothin matters. Ain no good in the world. I don't wanna be a doctor anymore. Fuck helping people. Nobody care about me or my family and no one cares for each other. I draw a lot. Sometimes it's faces. Sometimes it's people dyin on the streets. Sometimes I draw myself watching. Watching like I watched dad almost die. Watching as an outsider because there ain nothing I can do to stop it. Watchin like nothin matters. I still don't talk. I got nothin to say.

Ryder closed the book and shoved it under his mattress so that no one could find it.