I sit here looking out the window of my place. I am so many things, I am lost, hurt, confused, happy but yet I want to cry my eyes out. So many say men don't cry, but this one does. My heart is shredded right now and yet here I am in love? God I love her, but it hurt so much. But why does it hurt? Is it the fear of her running away like the others? The fear of her finding someone better? The fear of her filling my head full of lies to only tear me down later? Could she do that? Could she be that mean and cold? I don't think so, I am pretty sure she wont. I mean this don't feel like the rest, this don't feel funny I guess. If I almost die for her will she leave me? If I try and protect her like a boyfriend and lover should, will she abandon me like bell did? Will she leave me for “the man I am not”? Will I always be the “outsider” or the “unknown”? So many say they have no fear, that nothing scares them. I was one of those people, hell my life made me that way. Now but now that has changed, I fear her not being there. I fear losing her, and everything I have with her. I fear that without her I am not me, I am just a hollow empty man. In such a short time she came into my life and started mending the heart that others had destroyed. So now, I do fear. I fear so much now that I love her. When will it all end? The others ended it, the others left me. So many think I did, I must have fucked up. Well they are right I guess, I fucked up because I loved them and let them in. I cant blame one, she had to leave the city do to a moron. Non the less it does not make it hurt less.

Well you guessed it journal, I got a new girl. Yeah yeah don't be like the others don't you dare judge us on this. Okay so it was fast, it just happened. Look who would expect someone to fall in love over g-force. I mean that is how it happened, she said she loved comedy and knug-fu. Well what the hell is funnier than kung-fu cgi genie pigs? Well long hot story later we missed the ending kinda. Well I had to show her around the house and the art work I have and well, okay so hot steamy story two we feel more in love and fell asleep in each others arms. She is pregnant now, no I didn't use protection and she was on the pill but had been off for awhile. Is it really a bad thing? She told me she loved me, I told her I loved her, we are starting a family. I accept her and she accepts me for who we are. But yet her bulldog protector don't get it. She tried to treat sarah like business or something. God damn it she is not business! She is the lady I love and the mother of my child. It pissed me off to no end to see how her friend treated it all. Nothing will change my love for sarah not a god damn thing. So people need to deal, but for her and for our family I hold my tongue. I vent now in this “journal” the thing I preached so much to my daughter. Is it working? I have no damn clue, all I know is my fingers fucking hurt from typing and I am in love. I know I am still hurting for the shit people did to me. But I know sarah is the one who will fix it. I know she is the one who wont run out on me, this is about our happiness and god damn my girl is entitled to some fucking happiness.

Alright journal maybe I will write more tomorrow, never know maybe I will talk about my past. Who I am how I got to this point, you know all that boring shit people don't want to hear but you have too. Till tomorrow, now I am off to dinner with my daughter.