((This is an IC journal that Poe Henusaki has started, and is kept IC'ly in her bedroom under her bed. It's written in pencil, in sloppy print.))

February 23, 2014

Ava and Eli finally fell asleep. Kylie is coloring in one of her picture books. I don't have any idea where Kit is. Pia came home limping, hurt and upset. I'm finding it hard to remember the days again. My doctor said to write the date on the pages, so I might remember. I know it's February without looking at the date, but that's all I know. He doesn't get it, at all and there's nothing I can say or do that's going to help him understand. You can't explain crazy.

I have all this money hidden away and am trying to find a house big enough for all the kids now, but what am I doing? Seriously? I'm in this situation where I'm mummy and I'm responsible for how children grow up and who they will become and...look at me. I shouldn't BE a mother. How horrible is this world that I am the best option for these children? I'm supposed to put them first and think of only them. That's what all the websites say. But I don't. I sit here, hiding and hoping they won't wake up, won't need me. I'm not sure I can hear them for much longer. It's NOT okay. It's NOT going to BE okay.

Pia. Piaget. I'm just waiting for it to fall apart. It will. It always does. Why does he keep pretending it's fine? It's NOT FINE. I can't even...(there are a lot of incoherent scribbles that rip the bottom portion of the page here).

I just want to be a normal person, with a normal, stupid brain. Why do I have to think so much? Why can't I just go through life like everyone else and be completely fucking stupid? None of this is fucking fair and I ...

I want them back.

Aspen
Walter
Lily
Dad
Mum
Kakihara

Do you hear me? I want them fucking back. You can't just give things to people and then take them away once they can't let them go. You can't. What does any of this fucking mean? What kind of sick fuck gives a person happiness and then mutilates it...and then picks it back up and hands it back and apologizes, and then does it over and over again?

I can't do this by myself. I can't live up to the promises I made to the dead. I can't. Just give them back, and take me instead. They were all better people than me...but you made me stay. You made me. I should be the one that's gone. Not them.

They're crying now, and I can't. I just..no. Please. It's too much.

I can't tell what's a dream anymore. I'm tired..

It's February.