http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GK36mqxlhsA

I made this video last night about Gypsy and Travis: The multi-dysfunctional couple. Watch it and tell me what you think! Here's the journal entry to accompany it so you have a better understanding of what's going on:

I don’t understand it. How could someone make a woman like me feel completely vulnerable, confused, hurt, and frustrated all at the same time? I’ve known the man for almost a year now and I can’t think of a single time we aren’t bickering about something. We are both strong-willed people, thus we are constantly butting heads like a pair of dualing fucking deer. Yet strangely I can’t get enough of him. I just don’t understand it.

One of my assistants, Carpe… I had given her an assignment to think outside of the box and come up with a new way of getting into someone’s head… nay, a new way to torture a victim while getting information out of them… She went above and beyond and returned to me with this crazy idea she’d researched. It had to do with the natural toxins found in a Blowfish. I told her she could test it out on me, despite Travis’ wishes that I didn’t.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy every painful moment of the procedure. It brought Orly back. Yeah. It was THAT heavy… It left me sick for three days after.

Anyhow, I eventually had to tell Travis about it yesterday. What the fuck was I supposed to say when he asked why I looked like hell? He was pissed. We fought. He stormed out and I didn’t see him the rest of the day. He came over last night, drunk off of his ass. He was still upset about the whole thing. He had a valid point. I just didn’t see it until after I’d done whatever the hell I wanted to do. Why the fuck am I so selfish?

We got into it again, another arguement. The mother of all arguements. He threw his phone across the room and it shattered. We were literally at the make it or break it point in our relationship. I told him if he walked out the fucking door to never expect to see me again. But see here’s the kicker… at this point I’d already blurted out to him in our arguement earlier that day that I was in love with him. Yeah. So much for keeping my “badass” walls up. It completely slipped and I’d been feeling vulnerable ever since.

So you know what he does? The fucker proposes to me. Right there. In the middle of an arguement. Right there, when I was expecting him to walk out my door and choose to never see me again, he turned around, finally admitting to being in love with me, too, and while DRUNK OFF HIS ASS, he proposes. Not exactly a fairy tale story, is it? Fuck fairy tales. No one is happy.

My skin was crawling. Was he serious? Was he trying to make some other point that he would later throw in my face? And even if he was serious, would even fucking remember what he’d done tomorrow? We ended up passing out on the sofa together.

Today I ran into him at the Titty Twister… getting drunk again… It sparked up yet another arguement. This one travelled all over Hathian. Titty Twister, down the alleys behind Lou’s bar, and finally ended with him smashing his hand into the metal door at my tattoo shop. He busted it up pretty bad because he was bleeding everywhere. I tried to get him to stay but he just turned and left, he kept going on about wanting me to be happy but he wouldn’t even look at me.

My heart feels like it’s being tossed and torn and pulled into a million different pieces right now. How could you fucking let someone affect you THIS MUCH, Gypsy? What the fuck is your problem? Love. That’s your fucking problem. Love only gets in the way of business. What the fuck am I saying? Even I don’t believe that. Once you’ve tasted it, you don’t know what to do with yourself. Especially if you’re someone like me where being in love COMPLETELY contradicts who you are. I’m a killer. I’m demented. I’m fucked up in the head. I don’t love. Am I even capable of loving someone?

I’m at a turning point right now. I’ve already decided. I need to change. It will never work- WE will never work if I continue on like I have. Even if this means that my enemies could attack me at any given moment and I’d have no way of defending myself. I’ve thought of selling all my weapons, my torture devices, my drills and chloroform. I hear that shit runs expensive. I wouldn’t know. Anyhow, I’d use the money, plus what I have in savings from the shop to move back to Ireland. I should have known I couldn’t leave my Pikey lifestyle… we are destined to always travel the earth and never grow roots. As hard as I’ve tried, here in Hathian, I’ve failed. Just like with everything else. That’s all I am is a failure.

Or.

I’d simply ask Travis to run away with me. We’d go live somewhere else entirely, but we’d be together. That would be all that mattered. I don’t know WHAT the fuck I’m going to do, but I’m pretty sure I’ve decided my first step… I’m going to check myself back into the hellhole of the psych ward. Only this time I’ll go willingly, not kicking and screaming. I don’t want to be this insane. I really don’t. And now with Orly back, I can barely figure out what to do with myself. I’ve already tried to kill myself two times in the past three days. Something is wrong with that. Something is wrong with me.

All I want is for us to be happy. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. I want to make him happy by BEING happy. How is something so simple so fucking difficult? I just don’t get it. I wasn’t raised to understand this shit. Six brothers around and none of them could teach me how to be a woman. As thankful I am for that fact (otherwise I’d have a flaming brother and I’d have to kill him)… I also resent it. My mother died when I was so young. How the hell does a female act like a female when all she’s surrounded by her entire life was males?

I’m just done. I’m tired of fucking running from love. I’m done trying to have it both ways… either I’m loving life, loving Travis, and happy. Or I’m hating all of it, without Travis, and continuing down my destructive path which could end in my literal death. I’m ready to change for him. My heart needs to relax.

For once.

I want to-
I want to be someone else or I’ll explode.
Floating upon this surface for the birds.
The birds…
The birds…

You want me?
Fucking well come and find me,
I’ll be waiting.
With a gun and a pack of sandwiches.
And nothing.
Nothing…
Nothing…
Nothing…

You want me?
Well come on and break the door down.
You want me?
Fucking come on and break the door down.
I’m ready…
I’m ready…
I’m ready…
I’m ready…
I’m ready…
I’m ready…