Dear Diary,

Wow, ok so I haven't done this since I was a teenager. Funny it seems so long ago but it really wasn't. The city has a weird way of aging people. Making some people feel older then what they are. So much happens here in this city. I figured I needed to get things out of my head, onto here. Just in case, ya know.. Caspian in a coma, Alex in the hospital, Ellie was found but it will take a lot for her to recover from what we seen Who is next? ren? Rach? Me?. Everyone is crazy here, Is it the water? I never seen so much violence in one city. It has to be #1 for America's most violent. Just some little has been town that was lost to the hurricane years ago.
I found my safe place though in this city. I know it isn't right but I don't mind it. I am staying with Jax at his cabin. I know he wouldn't let anything happen to the baby and I. But that isn't his issue, keeping us safe. He does though, he and Rach are making sure I eat. I told him my secret about being anorexic. He makes sure I eat now, for me and the baby. I all ready feel fat though, but I know it is just little bit. I am growing closer to him. The more Im with him. It isnt romantic, it is more.. a need.. just to have someone close. I said to my self I wouldn't cross the line with Jax, But I did. We did. He didn't stop it, nor did I. We have there for each other while this search for ellie. We needed a day of release just something between friends.

I know if chase finds out I had sex with another man while pregnant he will be mad. I don't get it. He isn't there why does he care. He is off with his girlfriends, women, lovers, lord knows who else. He has a rep around town of being a man whore. I laid in that bad though, now I have to make it. He hasn't called me since the ultra sound. Random texts here and there, He doesn't like Im with other men, says it is wrong cause of the baby.. yet, He can be with other women? I don't get it. I am in love with Chase, Always have been since I was just eighteen. The day I gave him the lollipop on the street. I would stop my life for the man. End everything with everyone. Maybe I do have Kirvi Tendencies as Tori called it. Maybe Im just looking, wanting something I haven't found. Maybe I don't know how to do things any other way.