He had a lot of time to think after karma came to pay him a visit. His busted leg supported on a pillow while he sat at his desk going through his financial ruin. A man like him shouldn't have time to think like this, to reflect and see where his life was heading. A man driven by compulsion, acting out on the whim of the moment and the complete understanding he isn't what he thought he was or what he was told to be. He'd never thought about writing in a journal, hell the whole idea of it seemed stupid and more of something a teenage girl would do. Drawing hearts and finishing their name off with their recent crushes last name. Though what would it hurt? He took one of his notebooks from the desk drawer and flipped it open, looking down at the blank sheet before him. Where to start was the question...

I can't help myself. I tried to with a few women. To find that normality, love, understanding. I just can't help myself. It's too much fun to see the look of pain in a woman's eyes when they realize that I don't give a fuck about them. The way they cry, stutter over their words and look so heart broken. "But I love you!" is what they usually always say. "I don't care, I still love you." It's pathetic how much a woman will ignore and try to fix a man to be loved in returned. How thick I lay on the charm and even at times I am convinced I love them. Though I know I don't. Pawns, toys for my amusement. I feel no guilt, no remorse. I just want to hurt them, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I do wonder at times if what I feel for Randi is real or that she is so fucking easy to manipulate that I am drawn back to her. She came to see me in the hospital. All it took was old memories of when things had been good and she was back and she kissed me. What a fucking cunt, that one. Would be the second man she has fucked over when it came to me. Though maybe that is it? I don't want her when I have her and when she is with someone else I want her back? Though I want her happy right? That's why I pushed her away because I know how I am and just can't help myself? I thought that. Though these days with me fucking stuck here with nothing to do but think I know. She like the last one, is just being dusted off my shelf and like brand new, I get to play with it.

Though I must admit I have gotten sloppy. Kayla, that bitch. I had some control of myself when I was using her as a sexual outlet. God she is such a fucking slut. Ms. Proper on the outside world, kinky fucking twat behind closed doors. I HAD THAT CONTROL! Then she takes it away for some cock who up and flees the country. Pissed off that I come back for more and is surprised when I just fucking take what is MINE to take! Fuck that bitch. Shot me, had her little pretty boy cop fuck me up. Cunt. Best part, she admits to have had some feelings for me? Are all these women fucking brain dead? Oh yes I had feelings for her, but they revolve around her being chocked out while I fuck her limp body or corpse, I'm fine with either. Yet she is my boss, my fucking boss and I got sloppy.

Then there is that black bitch. Trixie. Comes to my store looking for a job with her huge tits out for a show. Surprised I beat the ever loving shit out of her then raped her. Is the big confederate logo not hint enough I don't want her black ass in my store let alone thinking I am going to hire her? Again, women are brain dead. Telling me she is pregnant...on this twatter shit. Like I give a fuck. She apparently wants more. Bitch and her little posse go and fuck up my store. I have to be careful, I am just getting to sloppy.

The only thing in life I enjoy is being a paramedic. All of them there, some big happy fucking family. All of them are a joke. All want to be friends and be all lovey dovey on each other. Fuck that. Cherie and Cal with their white picket fence relationship going on. It's disgusting, but how I do love to remind Cal I shoved my dick in Cherie on a few occasions. Being all -friends- inviting him to poker, smoking some cigars and drinking Brandy. Have to save face right, got this whole bro thing going on. I wont even get into the others, let alone that my ex girlfriend is fucking stalking me? Break up with her, same day goes to apply at FDH. Brain dead. All of them. Stupid cunts.

I have had time to think, I don't want to lose my job at FDH, I enjoy to much seeing the victims of Hathian. Getting to feel the warmth of their blood over gloves hands, the pain in their faces and to patch them up only for them to once more be under my care where one day, I may accidentally not treat them right. Mistakes happen do they not? We are all...human. I have to control myself, I have to get back into the character of the charming guy. It will be hard, but am I done, turning over a new leaf? It would only appear that way.

I just can't help myself....