REHAB-

Day three of fuckin rehab...I don't know what they want me to write about in here...perhaps my feelings about all my fuckin issues...Whatever...I am NOT crazy like all the other motherfuckers in here! I didn't use for years and years like they did..I JUST started using a couple months ago and they are treating me like I was doing the fucking shit since infancy. If there is ONE thing I hate, it is being talked down to..and that is all they have been doing here, treating me like I am some sort of five year old.

I know Travis is here, I see him all the goddamned time. He tells me to lie, to break out and use with him. He tells me he has the hottest shit waiting at the motel for me...all I have to do is get out of this shit hole. When I tell the nurses and the doctors that my old supplier and fuck buddy is here...you think they care? Nope! He probably paid them off! They tell me that it's all part of the detox process or some bullshit...it has to do with my "cocaine hunger."

I tried calling Roland, he didn't answer so I was halfway into a warning message when one of the larger male nurses caught me and dragged me off to my group session. They told me they have rules here and it's going to help me learn responsibility. So...because I woke up late and chose not to participate in group, I lose the right to talk to the one man who can honestly help me? Doesn't anyone get that I miss him? I need him here with me...I can't do anything right with out him by my side....no one understands.

They just tell me I need to learn how to grow on my own and become more independent, something about my daddy issues and how I cling to Roland because I never had a dad growing up so I force that role on Roland. When I told them I have a dad, and he is in my life, the Doc told me that it's different with him because I never had a connection with him. It was a forced love because we had never met for 16 years, a relationship has to grow before I can see him as my father...but it's been two years now that I have known my dad..how much of that has been me letting him in? Not very much.. Doc told me I have trust issues because of what my mom did to me, and I feel abandoned by my dad so it will take a long time for me to let him in the way that I should...Even if my dad had no idea I was born..I still spent the first 16 years of my life thinking he DID know I was around and he left me...

All of that from me just saying a few words about my past...damn...this is why I fucking hate sharing

If Roland were here, he'd want me to share...He'd want me to do my best so that we can work on figuring our shit out. Well, if he wants to work on it.

The longer I am sober, the more the guilt sets in over what I did to him. Even though I was totally fucked up when Travis and I went back to Roland and I's hotel room...I can still see the way his face dropped, the way that special mixture of sadness, anger and betrayal set in his eyes and all over his body. I remember cringing when Travis started to kiss along my neck when I told Roland it was over....I didn't want him there, I told him he should of waited downstairs in the lobby..he didn't listen, told me if I wanted to come with him, then he needed to be there to show Roland just how much I had moved on....although I hadn't. Even as Roland was signing the annulment papers, I wanted to jump in his arms and beg his forgiveness...but I was already using by that time, he wouldn't of wanted me...I could see him fighting back the tears through the entire process...That face, that look, it haunts me...It makes me want to use all over again and just run away to my happy place...wherever the fuck that is....Oh yeah, in my ex husband's arms

My happy place is the place I want to avoid. win. < - Doc's say it's a good thing to feel bad, proves I am sober It makes me want to give up Reasons:
Mom- Should of stuck by her when she needed me the most...she never got sober, got dead instead
Roland- All I ever did was hurt him, he deserves better, even fucked up Ellis can see that
Dad- Ran away from him when he needed me the most to help out with the kids...give him nothing but heart and head aches
Addy- I hate her, she's a bitch...but I still took off on her kids, my baby half brother and sisters...she tried to be my mom..too bad I never want to give her that chance..she broke up my parents...no one will tell me differantly

Wow...only four people

FOUR people who have cared
FOUR people I have cared for
that is less than the amount of fingers on one hand....
What a waste of a life...
18 FUCKING years...and all I have is four people..one of which is dead
I would count my half siblings, but they wont remember me if I die today

Depression is supposed to be apart of the detox process

Fuck this shit