December 3, 2009: When Tomorrow Comes

He was still sleeping when I left. I couldn't sit there anymore and watch him, knowing that I have spread over his life like a cancer... that I have destroyed something for him that I myself cannot even imagine having. And for what? Because I was lonely and upset and seeking comfort... or was it something more? I think I could love him if I let him inside, if he let me in too... I could love him. But why should he be locked into this prison with me? Maybe if I keep my distance, he can work things out with Sarah. I wanted to talk to her, to tell her that it was my fault. But Ellis begged me not to. He said I could be hurt.

Hurt. It seems that anymore that is the only word I understand. Somewhere in the haze where Nicky and Ellis are hiding like ghosts, waiting to suck me into the mist, I didn't see anything else coming. I was so busy watching for them... I was pulled under by the danger I had forgotten; the danger that lurks in every inch and corner of Hathian, crouched there in waiting until you turn your back on it, forget its there. That's when it strikes.

I've been shot twice, almost drown, kidnapped, caged, beaten twice, once almost to death, and had my jaw wired shut. I spent months in hiding, fighting for my life and my faith and my sanity. But in all that time, somehow I managed to avoid being truly touched... truly tainted. Somehow I kept myself afloat. How is it that it could change so quickly and I have not a mark to show for it?

I was just standing there. Just... waiting, waiting to get out of the cold. Waiting for rescue... that never came. I should have known better. Even standing outside the police station in Hathian you are at risk from the very people you're counting on to protect you. I learned that lesson long ago but for some reason I still feel safe there. He seemed so nice though, as though he genuinely wanted to help me. So I went with him, I got his his car and I let him drive me somewhere warm and safe... I just wasn't expecting it. I guess I really am still the naive little Amish girl from Pennsylvania.

I can't tell anyone. Ellis wanted me to tell him, so did Anthony... but I couldn't, I can't. One man has already died before trying to protect me. What can they do aside from get hurt by trying to help me?

He told me to come find him today. I don't know what to do. Maybe it would be best to go back home except I really don't even have a home to run to anymore.

What will I be after today except just another victim? Another broken soul adrift... what will I be when tomorrow comes?