From the blog...

First of all, you need to know...frankly, I don't talk about my feelings. And whatever exercise this happens to be for you, I don't plan on doing it today. You want to know if I regret what's happened, yeah of course I do, but you don't see me crying a tear over it.

Why don't you turn the recorder off and we can talk. I'm not interested in being in your bullshit therapy sessions, but I promised to tell you what you needed to know going forward, it'll just be off the record like we talked about, right? Whatever the fucking police want, thats what they are getting anyway, that was the agreement, none of shit shit matters to you....and yeah, payments are no problem, Doc.

...click...

You need to understand that when I came here I had every intention of laying low. Why? Well....that would take some explaining and I don't know if...what? fine, thats fine whatever you want.

...lighting his second cigarette in 6 months, you get offered one and it starts again another fucking vice strangling him to death...

Yeah fuck it, whatever. How far you want to go back Doc, you want to talk about my parents? Hm. Dad beat me silly, mommy had a need to make me "feel better" in some sick fucking ways, hell it was a fucking FUN time. But whatever, I was the only kid who knew how to give his first kiss her first orgasm.

Yeah, I know you're sorry, but cut the shit right? I'm good. I'm really good now. Centered. That doesn't define me, I let it go. And yeah...their dead now, thats what you call closure. What? No I don't know what happened, something about a truck and a car accident in the Santa Monica hills....

...How the fuck do you know that? Pulled my jacket with the arrest, right...aliases....hm. Yeah well, thats all sealed since I was 15 at the time right? So what are you asking me the questions for...look, I don't remember it, and just because the medical examiner said they should have been alive and that it was strange I was the only one that survived. Its sealed and I don't want to talk about it....

Oh? How'd I....seen my movies huh Doc? Did you like them? Spent most of my time behind the camera though. Too extreme for you, yeah I get that a lot, I get told it takes a soulless bastard to film some of that stuff or to produce it and put it out...I don't think so. You know there's something sacred and special in that moment, where the person embraces and relaxes. Its...what can I say, its completing. Its primal. Everyone should be given those moments,I am like you Doc, helping people open up, hm? Get with their inner selves. And....what? no don't you give me that bullshit, I don't hate women, Doc, I love women. Beautiful creatures, beautiful animals.....but anyway...

...lighting another cigarette, an exhale....a pause while things are muffled, the sounds of a mic rubbing the inside of a jacket like its in a pocket...

History of violence, I wouldn't say so, I like to believe in finding peace, finding some place to be centered. We're all capable of being good people in the right environment, I keep the right environment going. Well do I think that avert 72 hours of no sleep its hard for me to be sharp, yeah....but you know th etimes I've been convicted of fraud have been good times to find myself, prison helps you figure things out, right? Besides, you earn the trust and respect of the right people and presto, its a boys school unless you do your time in a supermax. And frankly...trust is easy to come by, especially when you see the angles, when you know what they want. Well...I mean you know right Doc? you're getting what you want to get me out of here....Thinking about those films again...I can see it in you huh? ...yeah, I'm always confident...I stay in those situations.

My sister....she couldn't handle it, ran away when she was 16 and never came back, never saw her again, I probably wouldn't even recognize her now, they really fucked her up, I was messed up to....lots of that is a blur, why are you so insistent on talking about that shit...damn. Like I said, its over.

Have I ever hurt anyone....yeah, of course. people gotta get hurt right? Thats life, we all get fucking hurt. If we didn't get get hurt we couldn't be happy right? I meet a lot of hurt people, I like to think I help them.

...names read off, dates, amounts....

You know what, fuck you, this was supposed to be bullshit, we're not even having this meeting, reports already typed up, so why don't you leave your little gotcha games behind.

...his voice inflection changes...

Life is hard, bitch, and frankly, if people are too weak to hold on to things, they deserve to lose them. Survival of the fittest, you got that? I am sick and tired of this judgemental game. Do you know how many people I've helped, do you know how much good I've done, don't SIT here and tell me for one fucking second, you have nothing, you can't prove shit, and I won't be a part of this anymore...

...a muffled scream...pleads, crying, the sounds of violence, the sounds of grunts, what is happening is unclear, whether its loved or hated..., there is a plead, a long sobbing cry of I'm sorry I'm sorry, and his loud voice over it all, back in the soft smooth monotone of before....

This is what you get when you cross the line, you let him out, this is what you deserve, you get what you deserve....back to your place you fucking whore....

...there is silence, for a long long time almost abruptly....then there is shuffling...

What did you say? I need help...you can help me....yeah I bet you can...I bet you can....you don't think I've heard that before? I had my court appointed therapist sucking me off in her car when I was 13. I like you Doc, so let me give you a little advice. Its a fucking black hole, and you can think you want to pour it all in there, you are just going to lose who you are. And maybe right now, that sounds like a good thing for you, but you got a really good thing going for you

...a whimper and a plead....

Fine, fine....send me an appointment notice, and I'll be there, we can talk about it....yeah...this helps. You are great at what you do, Doc....beautiful. You're doing a great service to us all, and I'll see you soon, hm? What...I'm sorry yeah, I'll tell the receptionist to cancel your day for you....get some ice on that, and...you have some spare...good...I can't help it...I know...I'm sorry....