OOC note: This is another written journal of Ellis. It is in addition to "Follow me into darkness". This journal is specifically for therapy. All information is considered OOC unless he shares it with you specifically IC.

Therapy Session 1

Ellis stared at the blank pages as he grabbed his new journal. He wanted to keep the therapy sessions separate from the rest of them. He didn't want Danni to have access to everything in his mind. He thought that some things should be kept to oneself. He picked up his pen and started to feverishly scribble onto the page, handwriting barely legible.

July 26

Nothing I do is right. A few days ago I slept with Kirvi even though I just got back together with Lena. I don't know why I did it. Danni, my therapist, wants me to write about it, but I don't know where to begin. I am lost in a time warp of past mistakes that I can't stop making. As soon as it seems like I've made it a step forward I go right back to the beginning again. Danni says I should tell her what I did but I know that if I do I will lose her forever. Bravo, Ellis. It is well-deserved.

The truth is that I don't want it to end. I want to be with my family and my wife but Lena makes it nearly impossible. I think she's stuck in her own web of making the same mistake time and time again. We had just gotten back together and Trixie, a jilted ex-lover, if you can call her that, gave Lena copies of the texts sent between us. I can only imagine how much she saw. I do know that Lena saw my proclamation of love to Trixie. This sparked every insecurity she's ever felt about me. Suddenly she thinks I'm in love with Trixie and I don't love her anymore. It's accusations and anger. It's her wanting to press charges against Kirvi for spitting on her. It's the doubt and inability to trust me when I said I chose her.

Kirvi swooped in, apologizing for the bullshit she spouted to Lena and spitting on her. Kirvi says it was because Lena wanted to lock her up in the psych ward out of vengeance. Honestly I can believe that. It's not the first time Lena has spoken violently about a woman I've had some sort of intimacy with. I won't lie and say that I wouldn't do the same against some man trying to mack on her.

Still, it was inappropriate timing because I had just gotten stabbed. I was harmed again and all Lena could think of was some jealous vendetta against Kirvi. What sort of fucked up bullshit is that? Kirvi says that Lena should have focused more on my healing rather than her own jealous rage. I used to be turned on by Lena's psychotic rage but now I see it as a wedge that is driving us apart.

When I was with Kirvi that night she told me that Lena should be helping to heal my wounds and comforting me when I'm hurt, not starting all this drama with people. Lena made it sound like I was making it all about me at the hospital. I wasn't sticking up for her enough because I didn't see the big deal about Kirvi spitting on her. She only told me about what Kirvi said when we were making up. I feel like nothing was resolved, though. It's like we constantly shove our conflicts under a rug and pretend it's not there. Well it is and I'm feeling the strain. Kirvi comfort me in ways that Lena failed to provide. All I seem to get from Lena is tension, mistrust and psychotic rage. But whose to say I don't deserve it. I did cheat on her again, right?

Danni told me I should tell her but I don't plan on it. She will leave me if she knows. I know it. I will lose her forever and despite everything that's the last thing I want. I don't want things to end and for her to hurt anymore. Maybe I should stop craving the attention I know I don't deserve.