Entry 1 - Drunk and Armed with a Pen
12/02/2009

Sometimes I just feel like this little girl, a little girl living in a grown-up's world. I do my best to reach the counter tops, but they always push my hands away. Push my hands away with their dirty claws. And sometimes I'm not careful, sometimes they throw me off balance. Sometimes I wish I could throw them off balance for once. I don't like feeling like this, feeling like I'm imploding. Not exploding, imploding. There's a difference. But it's not like you care, you're just a piece of paper in a dirty old journal I found in a dirty old corner of the dirty old store. I bought cigarettes and beer there. I wish it was snow, but I guess these will have to do. I love my beer, love how it makes me bend over and vomit rainbows all to the beat of Electric Feel. Oh baby, shock me. Oh baby, you sure shocked me when you said you loved me. And I know I told you I cared, I know I asked you to be my girl. But it scares me, you scare me. This whole fucking life scares me. But I'm not going to be the little girl they push away. Oh. No. Not again, not again. Hey Abigail, shut up. Abigail, go back to your corner. Abigail, you're dead, remember?

Sometimes I think I'm a little crazy. Crazy in the sense I keep dreaming about the carnival. Cotton candy, candied apples, clowns. Especially about clowns. I had another blackout, this one made my back bruise. I was riding a carousel, and the horse started to cry. It was bleeding, dying, and I shoved my hands in its mouth and pulled out its heart. I ate it, ate the damn thing. I wanted to take its pain, take it in me and bury it away along with Abigail. It tasted a lot like salt. Very, very, salty. I think it was crying even though it had no eyes.

Ishiko says I should see a doctor, found out why I keep having these blackouts. All they're going to do is give me some pill to take and probably take away my liquor. Like I'm going to let them do that, right Abigail? Shut up Abigail, I wasn't talking to you.

Abigail. Sometimes I miss you. But you're dead, remember?