IC Journal for Jezebel Cascarino

(Anyone who found her Macbook or her phone would be able to see the NOTES section that she is using for journaling. It is password protected, but it is her DOB so it isn't that hard to crack. She always carries her phone, but her laptop is kept.... between her mattress and box spring >.< )

1.1.21

Fuck 2020. That is all.

1.4.21

Apparently writing every day as a resolution was a poor choice. I broke it already. Tracy better be right about this "go back and heal" plan - otherwise I'm fucked. So, if you are reading this - I probably drank too much or got shot or something.

1.5.21

Leaving tomorrow. Going to spend a few days exploring the Grand Canyon and then I'll be headed to LA. Uncle Jay said that I could have my stuff shipped to the farm so that once I'm settled down, I don't have to buy all new things. So - the movers arrived this morning and took my bedroom set, my TV and the few cooking gadgets I'm obsessed with - everything else was sold off. Here's to living off of $4,634.65 for the next however long it takes to settle down and find a job.

1.11.21 Why doesn't everyone use deodorant? My GOD the man in front of me smells like piss, cigars and stale beer. Keeping this shot, typing too much on the bus makes me nauseous. Six hours to go. I'm totally regretting this laptop purchase. While it makes journaling and email easier, I'm now down to $3262.73

1.17.21

Its almost been five years. 1771 days since my world was shattered to the point that I didn't think it would be able to be fixed. Tracy said that going back would help me move past it. Help me accept that I'm here and need to 'live'. Would let me close the healing circle. That I would  be free. I'm praying she's right, because so far, it isn't working. I think I like numb better.

Fuck Hathian. Fuck Sunny View Rehab. Fuck you, Kian. 

 

1.18.21

It's been a little over a week and here I am, in some busted up trailer until I can get my shit together. Thank God the door locks and the windows aren't broken.  It for sure isn't my first choice, but at this point, I can't be picky and I'm not ready to commit to more than a month to month rental anyway. I haven't seen my neighbors yet, but I'm not quite sure I want to. I don't leave all that often - I don't know if I'm ready to re-explore town. I had to find the bakery though - it's still there, and while the décor is a little different, it's still the same. I wonder if the Diner by the beach is still around?

This diary bullshit is a pain in the ass, but Tracy made me promise that I would "journal my growth" as I made my way back to Hathian.