Journal Page 1 10/4/14

I cant sleep...I cant eat....I cant do anything. The sheets, the comforter of this bed, I cant do it....I've been awake all night, every memory him and I had together dancing in my mind. I cant get him out of my head, no matter what I try, nothing helps, nothing gets him out. I sat in the living room floor of our now empty house for hours trying to figure out where I went wrong. Why we went wrong. I dont understand it. I feel like this is the right thing for me to do, but it hurts. Its such an unbearable pain, I've never felt before. The memories we never got to build in this house. The walls will never speak of our presents within. The pitter patter of Victoria's graceful footsteps will never be heard within these walls. I thought we built a life together, I was wrong. I sat myself up for failure for even falling in love. I should have known better, I'm such a fool for even thinking could love me. I'm a mess.... I just cause pain to all those around me. Love isn't real its an emotion we all just make up in our heads, to mask what we really are inside. Nothing. Cause that's what I am. Nothing without him. I hated Griffan for so long for the consist verbal abuse...useless, worthless, nothing, Selfish those words ring inside my head at night. For years I thought he was wrong, but now finally, I understand he was just calling it like he saw it. He wasn't putting me down, he was telling the truth. That was Griffans truth, but mine is something different. I don't want to tell Luke what all he could have done differently.....How could I? He was the best thing that ever happened to me. I just want to make him happy and I cant do that with my needs. He has his own needs to take care of before mine, Why am I so selfish?......The only thing that keeps me here on this earth right now is the butterfly feeling of Victoria kicking in my belly. Victoria is in more ways than one a miracle. She's the only thing keeping me from just ending it all..... Cause I cant deal with this....I don't know how and I don't want to. I wish I could just wake up and forget everything....amnesia. Cause the pain is to much....Why does it hurt so bad?