As part of therapy, we're told to advise our patients to write their thoughts down so that they don't fester and drag them down.  I expect it's time I take my own advice.

Hathian:  A new chapter in my life.  Away from home, all my friends, all my family.  Away from everything I've ever known and cared about, or that has ever known or cared about me.  A risk.  A chance.  A new beginning.

When I came here, I was new, and shiny, and interesting.  I got enrolled at CU, joined the Cheerleading squad.  Not because I wanted to, but because Financial Aid needed me to join a campus social group and I was strictly opposed to the idea of a Sorority.  So there I was, the dour goth chick in the middle of pastel-colored, super energetic, cheerful girls.  But some of them have really grown on me.

I started working part time at the Comic shop and the boss there, Domino, made me a manager.  Not so much because of my skill, but because I'm a geek, and love Firefly as much as she does.

Through school I started working at the HGH as an Intern about the same time Winter Brinner showed up in town.  The newest, hottest commodity for the thirsty cunts in town to get wet over.  Somehow, he decided I was to be his BFF.  Cool.  I've never had a 'bff' before.  It was nice to feel wanted for once.

Howler's Blues is a place I go every Tuesday.  Seemed an interesting place, when I first got here.  Kind of makes me think of Cheers:  Where everybody knows my name, and they're always glad I came.  Sort of, at least.  I'm not a gay man, so the novelty of my arrival is brief.  But for that brief moment, I get to feel what it's like.

Dr. James Matfield:  My boss.  Nice guy.  We went for coffee.  He showed up with a date to the Christmas Formal dance thing.  We went for Breakfast.  He randomly showed up on Campus over Christmas Holidays.  We talk about a lot of things.  Seem to have a lot of the same interests.  Apparently has a loooot of females trying to get in his pants, Twitter and that Sarahah thing are full of them.  Good for you, boss.

The band is starting up.  Most of the girls seem to already have ties to each other.  I kind of just know them all in passing.  Our bassist seems real nice, but she's close with the drummer.  Singer is cool, but her focus is elsewhere.

The nature of what I am.  Gothic.  Internal.  Forever peripheral to everything.  But, hey.  At least Winter thinks I'm special.  I'm his BFF.  Right?  Well, you know.  Until Randy came on the scene.

People kept assuming Winter and I liked each other.  Winter kept adamantly denying any such thing.  "We're just friends", he'd say after a hearty facepalm.  Then Randy comes along.  Whom Winter apparently tries to pimp me out to, but unsuccessfully.  Now Randy and Winter do everything together.  They even live together.  Room mates.

Twitter is a good way to keep in touch, but apparently even there, I'm not of much interest.  Most of what I post doesn't get much reaction.  It's fine, I don't really expect it to.  I'm not the in-your-face type that focus always draws to.  I'm in the shadows, blending with my gothic colors.

Wouldn't you know, the most harm done to any relationship is honesty?  Stupid twitter games.  Lets just play: To Be Honest....  You like my post, I'll tell you something honest.  To Be Honest, Winter, you were the one person I felt I was close with.  Even remotely.  And then Randy came, and the rumors happened, and you were gone... and I was alone.  Always surrounded by people at school, cheer practice, the comic shop, Brun Dug, the hospital; but still alone.  So, you want honesty.  Well, TBH: It feels like you wanted to prove the rumors wrong about 'us' being a couple, liking each other, any of it...  by putting distance between us so they wouldn't associate us together anymore.

Apparently, honesty is not the best policy.  And that little piece of honesty has ruined whatever shred of friendship we had left.

TBH:  The smiles I wear, the laughter I spout; they hide the pain I feel at never being that important person to anyone; forever peripheral.