Home › Forums › Roleplay Discussion › City Life › A Pigeon's Plight
This topic contains 12 replies, has 1 voice, and was last updated by Voltiel Rassir 10 years, 8 months ago.
Author | Posts |
---|---|
Author | Posts |
Voltiel RassirsaidA Pigeon’s Plight ((Excerpts from Voltiel’s journal. The tattered book currently resides under her bed in Kakihara’s abode. This is my one and only warning right here. These little writings may be triggering to particular individuals. I am in no way, shape or form condoning or glamourizing self-injury or any of Voltiel’s other self-destructive habits. If you’re sensitive to those subjects then please don’t read this, because it's going to go pretty deep into Voltiel’s mind and I don’t want hate of any sort, nor do I want to upset anyone by ‘triggering’ them. Thank you for taking the time to read this, if you have. )) - I wrote a suicide note. - (( The first twenty pages of this thick book would appear to be ripped out. The following appears to be something stapled into her diary. )) November 3rd 2013. It's sad to know that my life has only been prolonged because I don't know how to write this, and until I do, I won’t be going anywhere. But once I finally manifest everything into a letter, I'll have walked out of the plane of existence. I always said I would go out with a bang, because my rib cage is one big bomb shelter. This is probably why anger makes my mouth one big loose cannon. Now that I'm finally writing about this sort of thing, I can see that without these invisible wars in my head, I would have been nothing. My bones are the only barrier I have, though. And my veins are like barbed wire fence, cutting anyone that has tried to save me. There are some days I cannot tell if I'm keeping everyone out, or trying to trap them in. Is that melodramatic enough for you people? Nothing has been going 'right' for me lately - actually, for about two years now. I feel more drained than I did yesterday, or the day before that. I often feel as though I'm trapped in a glass cage watching the world from a safe distance, vicariously feeding off the endeavors of those who conquer the madness within themselves, and/or Hathian. I never know if I want to overcome my demons or make friends with them. The glass cage, in a way, keeps me safe from what could potentially hurt me, but it also keeps me ignorant to the happiness or relief I could be feeling. I used to think being numb made me invincible, but it's only turned me into a coward and my wounds still exist ... most of them are just self inflicted. I want to reach past the cage but every time I do I just draw back my hand, and the serrated glass creates more agony. This town is animalistic. I close in and it coils back to strike. And so it strikes, again and again, and again. I wish I could tell the people that hate me that I do, in fact, understand them. I've seen it myself plenty of times. Their disgust reflects back at me and cuts like rays of light through my soul. It resonates through my skin, my organs, off every wall of my cage. These people put holes in me that will never again be properly filled. So I fill them with poison. I'm angry that I ever let anyone inside my box. Such beautiful things I have seen walk in and out. But I can never leave. I even learned to like the misery that I create in here. It's not as simple as calling myself a masochist. I became these things. I am to blame for everything I've done. I filter everything through the holes of poison in my glass walls. Do you get it now? How loud do I have to scream, and whose bones do I have to break to make people understand what I am? I've been told time and time again ... kill yourself. Kill yourself. Kill yourself. No one will miss you. And everyone will stand outside your box of self-inflicted pain. They will watch you die, and no one but the people you've once let in will ever be able to reach through those toxic holes to pull you out. And trust me. No one wants to pull me out. I sat by my laptop in my empty room this morning searching for a horoscope to post to twitter that could explain how I feel. It's finding nothing that makes me finally assume that maybe even the stars in the night sky aren't even real. Maybe my entire perception of the world is wrong. I could use a new outlook. A new perspective of things. I'm still chasing the ghost of the very first high I felt the first time I did cocaine. And I showed up at the police department, naked, screaming about a love that never even existed. Love is so far away from me, it's in the stars. That's how unreal it is. The people I love right now are very real, but I don't deserve them. Because that first high I got will always be what I look for in others. I'll never find it. I'll never catch his ghost. I don't want to, because he was so right about me. And he's happier with someone else. I wasn't abandoned, but I was betrayed. And even in death, I won’t be forgetting any of that. Now I realize I've written too much about just how little of a person I am. My black hole of memories now lies in a manila folder on my lawyer's desk and I still want to get my hands on it. It's a fucking anthology. A novel of my criminality that all started with the clatter of porcelain on concrete. The gradual snapping of cords and wickedness of a dial tone has persistently haunted my dreams. Every time a dispatcher touches that disgusting, vomit-green machine, I'll be twitching in my grave. Even my charred remains will know what's happening. I'm selfish, but not selfish enough to steal away the happiness of another. I'm giving several people the relief they're looking for. Those who have loved me want me gone, the Red Queens would rather see me dead, and even Kakihara will find me useless eventually. In conclusion, I guess I lost. The HPD finally did something right. Stoneage won (has he ever lost?). I commend the police on all their efforts to put out the destructive flames of my fire. That fire was all I had to keep me going. What a reckless way to live life in a town like this .. - Funny how everything has changed, and it only took three months. (( And that's where this crap is going to begin. I'm hoping my text formatting or whatever isn't confusing. She'll be writing in here regularly about her day starting tomorrow. )) |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
|
Voltiel RassirsaidSign in at the very top to read this reply. ツ |
You must be logged in to reply to this topic.