Something woke me. I don't know what. But as i lay there....my eyes open, and they stare straight up at nothing but darkness, the only light coming through the window, from the moon itself, shining high in the sky, dropping it's silvery light down upon me.
I don't know how long i laid there, not moving, just breathing, just feeling the breath enter my body.

Thoughts come, i can't stop them, not yet. But i will, i just need to switch them off.
Because thoughts are a waste of time. As are emotions, feelings.
Why bother having them at all? All they do, is create misery everywhere they touch.
Garrett was right. My feelings, my emotions don't matter. I...don't matter. What matters is finding my brother, bringing him home.
My face bears bruises where his hands hit me the other night. But i don't feel the pain. I don't feel anything anymore, i have turned it off. Like a light switch in my head. It's all gone. Love. Sorrow. Pain. Heartbreak. Jealousy. Anger. Misery. Despair. It's gone, all of it. I feel nothing, just as Garrett felt nothing when he saw the pitiful, broken man i had become.

And now i feel strong, nothing can touch me. Nothing can get under my skin anymore. Not Kian, the man i love. Not Aiya, the girl i once loved who tore my heart out. Not Danya's judgmental barbs. Not the touches of my family. Not the love of my friends. Nothing touches me. This is how it has to be.

Because clearly, i cannot rely on anyone to save me, from the misery laid upon me, by others. I cannot rely on anyone. Only myself. I cannot let myself drown, in the pain that has been forced upon me. To do that will bring only death. And as i have been told, several times, my family need me. I know this, as i know that i will never love again.

Never. It causes too much pain. Something of the child still inside me, is broken. It loves too fiercely, it feels too much. It was never something i could control.
Where my brothers are cold, i blaze heat. Where nothing touches them, everything touches me. Where they barely notice, i see. Where they feel nothing, i feel everything. It's just the way i am. Some have called me sensitive, some...romantic, and i am, in a fucked up, very hidden way. Some have called me an old soul.

Maybe i am, maybe i am all these things. Had my own father not fucked me. Tortured me. Beat me. Tied me with chains, making me watch as he raped, beat and tortured my mother, on a daily basis....had this childhood not been mine....maybe i would have been one of those gentle giant guys. A romantic. Polite and charming, the kind of guy who'd open doors for you, and sweep your off your feet. This is who i am, when the doors close, this is the me that you don't get to see.
This is the man that loved Aiya, this is the man gave her everything. Who treated her like a queen, only to have his heart ripped out. Again.

It's not the first time a girl has fucked me over for someone else. My ex, Alana did it too. I'm over it now. The guy she went with, now, is the brother i search for.

Slowly, i rise. I slip off the satin sheets, and cold hits me, my feet pressing flat to the floor. And i stand, naked. The moonlight making silvery light etch my form like a reflection on water. My skin looks pale, white, and just for a moment, i look like i could be one of the Cullen brothers from Twilight. I look beautiful. But i feel nothing.

I move, and my silent, padding steps carry me out of the room, not a sound to be heard, everyone is asleep, or gone. Out searching, out fucking, out drinking. Who knows? Who cares? I am alone. In my head, i am alone. In the house....i -am- alone.
My feet carry on, taking me to a destination only my subconscious knows. Because, now, there is no thought. There is no emotion, there is no feeling. There is nothing but silence. For the first time in years...my head...is quiet. I have the peace i craved.

Losing love along with my feelings, emotions. It a heavy price to bare. But I'm ready to pay it. Because Garrett -was- right. Who cares that my heart was broken? Who cares, that i have been finding it too hard, couldn't cope? Who cares that my feelings were hurt? No one. Thats who. I don't matter, my feelings...don't matter. Only he does. Ipos. My brother.

My hand lifts, and light suddenly blazes from a lowly lit lamp in the bathroom. My eyes, which once were blazing with emotion, now lay flat and empty in my face. Cold. Another hand....reaches, and fingers curl around the electric razor that Garrett uses to keep his head shaved.
There is no smile on my face, no frown, no smirk. There is nothing as i turn it on, the buzzing...i can't even hear from where i am. So deep, locked inside myself that i can't even feel the cold air brush me as my hand lifts, razor sliding over my head.

I stare into the mirror, as clumps of dark hair fall, and only when i feel lighter, a weight lifted off my shoulders, do i stop. The buzzing ceases and the razor clatters into the sink as i drop it, feet turning and i head back to my room, to pull on clothes i don't look at. And then i walk out.

Out of my home, out of my pain and misery. Out of my love.