After prying herself out of bed, far too late in the afternoon, Rachell pads through Amira and Jeremiah's house. She was still in a daze. The events of the last few weeks had consistently hit her hard. Talk to someone? Out of the question. So instead, she moves to her laptop bag. From it, she pulls a spiral notebook, untouched before now. Turning to the front page, she taps her pen against it for a few moments before eventually beginning to write.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I don't even know where to begin. It's a good thing nobody will ever read this, because it won't make sense.

Years ago, I met this guy. He was everything I could have wanted. Except he was married. We fell in love anyway. It was strong and it was real. So real. We were in love. I got pregnant. But I was young, with nothing solid. I was nobody. My baby deserved better than that. So I gave him what he couldn't. A chance at a better life. I didn't know he would be raised by his father, I thought he was putting him up for adoption. I left Hathian to pursue my medical degree. But in every infant I saw, I saw his face. His beautiful face. I dreamed of him every night. Even at that age, he looked so like his father.

I never looked back to this dark city after that day. Not until seven years ago. Or eight now? I can't remember. I met my Dana a week after my arrival. Within months, we were engaged. It was a whirlwind romance. The first I had allowed myself after Colton, so many years prior. Again, I got pregnant. Twins, two beautiful babies. Things went bad. I lost Dana. And I lost them too. There is no pain like the loss of your child. Losing Caspian was hard, but I knew he was safe. He would be happy. Seeing the twins lifeless in my arms for the few moments allowed. It nearly took more strength than I had. I got a tattoo for them. The rosary angels on my chest. I'll never forget them. Never.

After that, I met Jax. Jackson Nathaniel Voss. He changed my life. He was my home. Married. Had our son. He cheated, he left. There was no more home.

In the midst of this, I met Kurt. A brother within the MC. He put me together before I realized I was broken.

Engaged.

Jax came back.

Pregnant

Twins again.

Then Kurt left.

Then... I met him again.

Colton hadn't changed. But I had. He took us in, all of us. He gave us family. The day I became a Vond is who I became who I was supposed to be. Within the family, things made sense. Seth. Kylie. Illy. Ren. Sadie. Ellie.

Oh, mhathair. I miss you. I miss you so. I need you, please come back.

Before Jax left, I was given a child. A perfect little baby boy. Nevah was insane. She gave her infant to a stranger. But between Alex and I, we kept him safe. I loved him like my own.

Ellis decided he wanted him back. Blood doesn't make family. BLOOD DOESN'T MAKE FAMILY. Alex agreed, I didn't. He accused me of kidnapping.

People said so many terrible things.

I lost Liam. It felt like losing my first son all over again. It hurt in ways I can't explain. There are no words for that level of heartbreak.

==================================================

They died a few months ago. Colton and Sadie. A car accident. So sudden. Everything's fallen apart since. I need you.

I need you so much. Please come back. Don't leave me here, I can't do this without you.

After they died, I found out Caspian was my son. The one good thing to come since then. We fight, but we love each other. Nothing will ever take that away. Even though at times I think he hates me.

Two weeks ago, Ellis hurt Caspian. He called me and made me listen to him scream. After he promised HE PROMISED to not hurt him.

Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. Where do you stand with Ellis? You never know. He hates, then he forgives. Then forgiveness makes you weak. But all the while he hates.

So much hate.

He shot me twice. I shot him. I took him to the basement in HGH. I hurt him the way he hurt Caspian. But worse. He doesn't know I was there. He'll never know.

But I know.

He deserved it, in every possible way. He has hurt my family for years. In the moment it felt right. But now it feels wrong.

I told him Kirston was alive. Nobody believes him, but I did. It just came out. I regretted it, but I wanted him to hurt as deeply as he'd hurt me over the years.

What's wrong with me?

He attacked Ren. Left a note on her body. For Rachell Vond.

He'll never stop hurting us.

Last night, he made his son bring me a box of body parts. On each piece, it was carved. Telling me to confess. Confess. Don't lie. Confess.

The security footage is on my side. Hallucinogenics will never let him remember the actual truth. But its eating me alive.

I miss you. I need you. Please come back. Somehow, return to me.

I want it to end. I want him to win so nobody else would hurt. He's hurt so many of my family, my friends. All he wants is me. It's selfish to not give him that.

How many more will he hurt before I surrender? I don't know.

It hurts. All of it. So much hate, the pain.

I don't want to hurt anymore. But if my pain stops, others will hurt. Zip. Amira. Cali. BeBe. Ellie. Caspian. Alex. Jax. Hunter. Shaun? Kylie. The kids.

Shaun was good for me. But nobody would understand. He's too young, they judge him so much. But they don't know who he is. They don't know HIM. They know his past, and that's sad.

Please, someone help me. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know who I am.

I'm sorry for everything.