((Found on the floor under her kitchen table, the note is written on a scrap of looseleaf paper, the writing messy and dark.))

I'm not even good enough for a rapist.

No, I'm not even lying, though I wish I were. I am not even worthy of the love of a rapist.

What's so wrong with me that I can't keep anyone, that people refuse to stay around? Am I repulsive? Loud? Annoying? Do I have bad teeth, or need to bathe more?

Let me explain.

A few weeks ago, on Mardi Gras, I made the mistake, yes, mistake, of sleeping with someone.

Curious? It was James. I'm not kidding.

I don't know what made me do it, or why I caved, but I regret it fully. I wish it never happened, because I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't be the blubbering wreck that plauges my friends like a swarm of locusts.

But, that's beside the point, because it was weeks ago. It's what it lead to that's basically fucked up the chance of me ever having a normal life.

I started having.. feelings for him, which, in itself, should've told me to stop trying to chase after him. But, like the moron I am, I went after it, even though I knew it would ruin our friendship.

We tried to be together, but that failed just like every other relationship I've been in. I mean, I could go on about what's wrong with me, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, but, of course, that's basically just beating a dead horse; been there, done that. He had to go to jail for a sexual assult charge, and while he was gone, something happened.

Lynch showed up.

A long time ago, maybe about two years ago when I was still a Reject, I paid his hospital bill. I can't for the life of me remember why I did it, or why he was there, but it happened. End of story.

Now, he's back in town. And it made things really fucking confusing.

He got put in the hospital, again, and I didn't do anything to stop Lex or Espi from doing it. I would've been in the bed next to him if I did, and I'm not putting my loyalty to the Rejects at risk to protect someone that's been AWOL for nearly two years.

So, I spent a few days in the hospital by his side out of nothing but guilt. He has a broken jaw and nose, a concussion, and a shit ton of cuts and bruises. And I stood by and did nothing. If someone didn't feel guilty, then they don't have a soul. But this is Hathian. That's a normal occurance.

Apparently, James found out, and proceeded to chew my ear off about 'moving on too fast'. Funny thing, because yesterday, he started dating Sun again, the woman he's been bitching and complaining about for months.

Irony is a bitch.

That just leads me to what I said before; I'm not even good enough for a rapist.

I'll write more later. I need to go water my chia pet.