My Dearest Mother,

I miss you so.

It is with a bitter sweet pen that I write to you. I received the promotion to Detective with such joy in my heart, I know I can do so much in this role to tackle the pernicious violence against the innocent in this city. I want for nothing more than this. The Chief recognised my effort and I know how proud you are. I felt your presence in that room, I could not have done it without you.

I am throwing myself headlong into my work harder than ever now, my files are bursting with, statements, reports, notes and warrants. It is hard to hear so many desperate stories of pain and anguish as I interview countless victims, in their pleading eyes I know that they rely on me more than ever to right their wrongs. I do what I can, the only way I know how, to fill these jails with the wicked, using the law, my mind and with minimum force.

And yet, please forgive me mother, I know I will always fail these people, I am unable to right the wrongs that come from my own kind. Their strangle hold of corruption is too strong and I learnt that to fight it is at best futile, at worst it is suicide. Last week Bliour whispered to Stone Age, who then ordered me into his cruiser. In his weasel words the desire to turn me into one of his kind, those with corroded and corrupted hearts. I told him of the promise I had made to the Chief, that I would honour our leader's desire for unity, that I would back-up and support all of them as if their life was as precious as my own. With the shame and guilt that I bear daily like an anvil on my shoulders, I admitted to him that I would not fight them. That their band of criminal cops were safe from my attention. The only way I can change their closed minds is to show them there is another way, that you do not have to use beatings, pain and fury to get results. That Justice can be served like a human being, not a rabid dog.

It was not enough. He ordered me to relinquish my weapons and follow him on foot into the most dangerous of areas. I knew what was on his evil mind and in his loathsome heart. A lust for power and control that would leave me defiled, violated, beaten....or worse. But I did not follow him like a sheep to the slaughter mother. I did not roll over and give in to his foul malfeasance. I called for back-up and one of my kind saved me with her witness, only to chastise me for waisting her time that made me feel so alone. But I was free of that mans clutches and I had recorded all his words of hate. Stone Age is the the very epitomy of the kind of evil this town faces. I gave my evidence to the Chief, to honour his pledge to protect me, like all his officers, from tyranny within. It is in his hands now...

I asked for honesty from Bliour, for her to tell me what was behind her whisper to Stone Age. She suspended me for two days for 'being paranoid', as if I was wrong to ignore the symptoms caused by the disease of her colleague. She also told me She had supported my promotion to the Chief, and so perhaps I misjudge the woman, She works hard and dutifully, but why she must crush my spirit and refuse to level with me I do not know. I have tried to reason and connect with her, treated her with respect and dignity, only to have my efforts discarded and ridiculed. She talks of teamwork but acts like she has to prove She has the biggest penis at the urinal. Not words of kindness or support but criticism as she shows how blind She is to what i endure "there is no conspiracy against you" She told me. She does not see the knives in my back. The smirks, the names, the comments....all in my mind dearest mother? You know the truth. Your image never fails to guide me through the hate of those who have forgotten what it means to be a Cop.

The wounds they inflict cut deeper than I let them see. There is one who joined at the same time as me, he has risen to Sergeant but already his heart is poisoned, perhaps it always was. I treated him like a friend, he treats me like an object of contempt. He derives pleasure inflicting harm, with his smashing fists of hate and venom. He told me 'stop trying to impress me' as I shared information to help him. Impress?...Such laughable ego, I would rather see him jailed for the criminal he is, but he cannot see past his stinking cigar, he cares only for himself. He is a coward who hides behind his stripes and the badge. He is the Jester, he is Mr Punch. He has no honour.

The department is like a family, sick and dysfunctional, but it is all this town has to keep anarchy from the streets. Within our Chief beats the heart of a strong and powerful leader, but in his mind he has given in to the lust for retribution. But despite this he respects his officers and protects the innocent and on that I respect him too. He has seen my dedication to be true and I vow to exercise my powers without bias and with fairness. There are many like him in our family, they do good and try to hold the line, only occasionally succumbing to excess. I try hard to work with them and smile, I know I must call a truce to my feelings of revulsion at the acts of mindless violence, it is all I can do to protect and serve the people.

I hear rumours and stories, I learn and listen to survive. I am far from perfect mother and I have made mistakes, I am burdened with guilt for some. I struggle with what is the right thing to do and I am blessed with friends who will advise me. Of those friends, I cherish them dearly. I am not the only Cop who does good for the people and I form partnerships and celebrate unity with others wherever I can. Some would perhaps support me in the face of the bullies, many more shy away with fear lest they be target themselves. There are those I cherish in my family and a few outside it. I have moments of joy and success still within this bleak landscape. So many promising new faces succumb so quickly to the mob rule or leave disgusted. It haunts me each day how I must turn my back on the suffering inflicted by my own, but it is better that I work for these wretched and godforsaken citizens from within. Some citizens thank me for my efforts and I can't tell you how happy it makes me when I can help them. I try my best for them to seek justice for the innocent, with fairness and rigour to stand firm against the wicked. Despite it all I know I made the right choice, to take this posting that nobody else at the academy wanted. I have the 3rd highest number of cases in the entire department now. My work is all that keeps me sane, without it I am nothing.

There was a joyous wedding mother, it was such a wonderful display of unity and love. My Detective friend JK and his partner Doe. I wore the Kimono that you used to wear, it was so beautiful. It gave me hope in this town so steeped in suffering.

I have had to sacrifice so much to stay on the path you have laid out for me, but I shall not waiver. Your gentle teachings will never leave me. I have been beaten, violated, stabbed, shot....I have lost love, friendship and freedom. But I will always keep my principles and focus on my work and I grow stronger each day knowing I have your love and blessing. I am eating properly, as best I can, I have kept those demons away. I still keep up my practice, but my music has darkened with my mood, the keys taking the punishment of my feelings in my sanctuary. My Harley is my new horse, it makes me feel free to ride on the open roads as I used to on Gizmo, I miss him too. I take care with my manners still. Father still sends the money but I will not touch it, it is drenched with the blood of his victims, he cannot buy my love, forgive me.

I miss you so but I know you are with me. While I have your love in my heart I shall keep going. They mistake the kindness you gave me for weakness but they are so wrong. I will never surrender to their hate for as long as I have breath in this body.

Mother I love you. You sit with Angels while I walk this earth guided by your love and compassion.

Your Fallen Angel