So, finally getting into this thing of the interwebbing.. Really never cared for it, but with so much going on in my life, I guess it's good to have an outlet to let it all out, right? Right.. So where to start? Well, I guess I should introduce myself.

For the purposes of this blog, let's call myself Dr. Mad, because, well, let's face it, to go through what I have been through, you have to be mad. So, Dr. Mad it is. I was born Nov. 24, 1977, so yes, thanks for noticing I am old. I'm like the crypt creeper, but prettier. Anyways. My father is pretty well known.. for the purpose of this blog well go ahead and call him Dr. Psycho, because he takes care of the psychos. My mother died when I was young, so I guess there's no reason to rename her, just mom.. that would do. She had pancreatic cancer, and well, the fact that I'm here is a miracle on its own. They tried so hard to give me a brother, or a sister, but couldn't, my mom's illness progressed, and by the end of it, they decided to start in foster care, so I had many sibblings, the closest I ever got to any of them was a young girl, broken, her family life was terrible. Because of today's happenings, I'm going to call her Birdie. My parents tried to adopt Birdie, give her the life she deserved, but it didn't happen, things stopped, and when I was 11, my mother passed away from her illness. I used to be a dancer you know? I used to sing opera, and dance ballet, I wanted so bad to be a ballerina.. but her death changed me, that day I shifted away from my focus, and decided to become a Doctor, to study Oncology and save someone like my mom. Make her proud. My dad, Dr. Psycho.. he treated me like a Psycho, and I swear, one of you says "how does that make me feel" I will personally be shove a 20'' rod up yours and show you EXACTLY how it feels.

Moving on.. Dr. Psycho is pretty famous in the psych world, why? I don't know, I know he's won awards and what not.. so, he must be good? But we were never closed, I was treated like a patient, and that drifted us apart. Don't get me wrong, I love Papa, but.. it's difficult. I went to Harvard premed, graduated top of the class, and moved to Houston, where I attended Baylor while working in MD Anderson. I'm a surgeon, Oncologist and Hematologist. I'm pretty epic, I must say.

Birdie is now pretty much my only family, or was, I'm not sure. I moved to Hathian to be with Birdie, she comforts me. But, she wouldn't answer texts. So, enter Manipulator.. I think that's a good name for him, and when you read this part, you will understand why. Stressed from work, and tired of waiting for Birdie, I went out looking for her, and hit a bar.. naturally, i got curious, having never been much of a drinker except for wine with dinner, but.. I decided to try Whiskey, straight.. not a good idea. Not at all. Somehow I ended up in Manipulator's house, and one thing somehow led to another, details are fuzzy. Point is, the deed was done.

I went home, to sober up, and took a shower. Went out to town for a coffee, and enter Mr. Right. Yeah, I still would say he would be the Mr. Right in my mind, though things have changed.. we talked, he worked in the hospital too, had kids, he was just too perfect to be true, and he asked me out! Wow. That's when I got Birdie's text.. I told her where I was, and she comes over, blasting porn of all things in the phone. Now, you might ask why this important and trust me, I think both Mr. Right and myself both were wondering.. but then she threw the phone at me, and I saw it.. it was Manipulator and myself.. having sex. Oh, yeah. I threw the phone in the ground, and stumped it quiet, Mr. Right was there, and heard the whole thing! Birdie tackles me and hurts my head, cops show up, and meanwhile Manipulator comes up all "what's up?" All while some chick was touching herself.. high on something no doubt, and turned on by the moans would be my guess? anyways, talk about embarrassing.

Mr. Right and I went on a date though, and that day I swore to hate Manipulator forever. It was so perfect, I fell so quick for this guy.. but things went sour.. just when they were happy. One day Birdie came with severe injuries, kidnapped, and I fixed her, but.. since that day, the Birdie I knew was gone.. and something darker starter to surface, I guess one can only take so much bad before dying inside. I'm sorry Birdie. I still love you, and will help you come back, I swear this to you. That day, Mr Right broke up with me. It hurt, I couldn't take it. I ran home.. only to be raped at home, stabbed, and left for dead. I had surgery to remove the wounds. But.. still. I can see the faint line, and it kills me. That was the last day that Dr. Mad would be happy for a long time.

So, what happens next? I tried to cheer up. I tried to get Mr. Right too, said he did it because I was a carbon copy of his ex, so I went the opposite direction, dyed my hair black, pained my lips deep red, and started wearing more heels and nicer outfits. I killed the old Mad, and became new Mad. But he never came. I was alone. Birdie gone, Mr. Right gone. I left.. but Isaac blew me right back. Enter Mad Man. I used to babysit him, 11 years ago. I played him, bad.. and now, he wants to kill me, that's the complicated story, in short. So, what's a girl to do? Seek Birdie out.

Only Birdie is not what I found.. I found Manipulator. I made a deal with him, afraid, to save myself from Mad Man. For the first night I slept in a bed, and not in the locker room for the hospital. We did it again, over and over and over, as is only natural. But I started to see a new side of the manipulator.. slowly, I fell in love. And well, one night.. after throwing up, Dr. P found out I was pregnant.. the father? You guessed it. Manipulator. That sparked something between us even deeper, the hate I felt went away, and love was all there was left. All the wrongs, forgiven. I guess that's true love? Or panic, I'm not sure.. We got married, so now, I guess I'm Dr. Mad Manipulator. Has a ring to it, don't you think?

But again, things in my life can't be easy. Manipulator has an ex. I can't name her, so it will be known as X or it. It is pregnant. It is the biggest thorn on my side since I can't remember. I don't think Manipulator knows just how much this hurts. Sometimes I don't even eat. Oh, yeah, did I mention I used to be anorexic? Yeah.. I'm fighting it.. but it's hard, with everything going on, I just don't want to do it. It's like the rape all over again, but worst this time, this time is someone I trusted. I want It dead. Now, I'm not stupid, or evil. I know I wouldn't ever.. but.. I can't lie, sometimes i find myself fantasizing about delivering the baby and just overdosing it with something.. or having another nurse or intern do it.. genuine mistake. Oops. Would be so easy. But I can't. I know it's wrong. I just wish I knew why it is that I can't have happiness. It hurts. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to go on the roof of the hospital and jump down. Just end it all. I'm here.. trying to change for him, to be what he desires, everything for him, because truth is.. without him, right now I'd be nothing. I can't handle the pain anymore. I keep holding it in, hiding it with rage, but moments like this.. I can't. It's too much. What to do when everything you have crumbled, and you have nothing left in your life but emptiness?

Will it ever end? I hope so. I'm starting to lose it. Even sitting here, at home, writing this alone. I wish I had someone at my side, someone to catch my tears. All I have to say, is there a happy ending for Dr. Mad, or will Dr. Mad just have to run from it all. Time to turn the lights off, and let the train run its course I suppose.