A little wine-red book, decorated with golden lines giving the letter 'M' a shape was laying on the old wooden table in the apartment Mary shared with her big brother. Each and every day, so many things happened in the teenagers life and yet, she did not often write in this little book, but she felt, like today was the day on which she should. Try to put her feelings into words, that was really something Mary had never done before, so for a while she was just sitting there and staring at the book, before she decided to open it slowly, to just start writing the first entry into it.

23.11:

How do I start to write into you little book? Some write hello to you, don't they? I don't know, but I think it is silly, you are not alive are you? And if you are, why don't you speak to me then? Anyhow... why do I write into you anyhow little book? I think... I write, because there is so much on my mind recently and not really anybody seems to understand really, what I feel and think. All was fine... until about 3 weeks ago, or so, I was in cardiac arrest, because of using coke, I'm not really happy I did it and ended in hospital, but what really saddened me was the fact, that Nash did not come at all to visit me, like he did not care if I would die or not. Of course I didn't die, but even tho I was sent home I have not seen Nash again till even today, I wish I will some day... so I can tell him, what I feel. But oh well all is fine now, I ran away, but now I live with my big brother and he is a hero, he saved me two time already. He is an all handsome big brother too, seems he had a lot of bad things happening to him in his life tho. I feel bad sometimes, because I just feel like... I am stupid and don't really give him the love a big brother like him deserves. I try tho.... I hope... when I stay with him and care for him he won't feel alone anymore and maybe be happy too. Maybe I should look for a girlfriend for him, what do you think little book?

Talking about relationships.... gah I tell you.... I had so much stress with that recently. First Haji, which I then thought was bad as he kissed my cheeks and hugged me and yet did not love me, but then, then I met Woo.
I met him in the skatepark on a bad day - Sun broke down that day, I'm glad she is better now, damn H! - and Shar said he was a dealer, so I asked him if he had LSD and he had. So... we did it... the LSD that is... it was very fascinating I still say, very intresting. Anyhow I met him the next days as well and we got closer to each other. So much that in the end, well I had reason to think he really loves me. But he did not.... and I found it out... on the street... I got so mad.... and felt... like I should die, nobody would miss me anyhow. So I did something stupid, but luckily my bro came to save me.

Well Woo and me are friends again, but it still hurts me when I become unimportant as soon as that one girl comes along. Ana said she deserves love, but at the same time I still wonder, why I don't? It is complicated, love that is... and writing this lines my heart still hurts.

And now? I don't know... I think Judge might like me... it sounded like it definitly, that would be nice, if someone would really like me and he is a good guy, despite what everyone says. He might be a bit rough, but that is understandable, by how he is treated by everyone. Well I don't know really, that my little book, is a story for the future. I hope it will work out well.

Not like the rest of my life at the moment, I feel lonely, like I'm loosing all my friends. I never had any friends in New Orleans, but that was not as hard as now loosing them one after the other.

Well I need to end writing now... cause I feel like I will start to cry any second...