So many keep asking: "What do you want?"
Yet no one stops to listen to the answer.

In this city, I can't grab a hold of anything. Everything moves so fast, people pass by before I even realize they were there. There's a heavy weight on my feet and I can't catch up. I'm forced to watch them pass, until someone... somebody slows down.

The need to chain them up, to break their legs, to make them unable to get away grows greater each day. All the missed chances, the feelings left unresponded, they grow, yet they make everything become less meaningful. I thought I had feeling towards her, I even told Kylie: "I don't love you, I don't love her, but I feel something". In the end, it wasn't true. None of it was, none of it will be. All what I feel all go back to the same: Lust. To be with someone, to have a future with them, to have them waiting for me when I go home, none of those I want with them. What I truly desire is have their bodies pinned underneath mine, to have them bound, tied, blindfolded.. screaming from pleasure, from pain.. fear. The taste of salty tears, the sight of bruised skin, the feel of their soft bodies crumbling and breaking..

It's not her.

And when I'm done, I want them gone.
Or do I?

The line has started to become blurry again, just like last time they gave me the promotion to Sergeant. What is it, that each time it's given, more power is handed and something changes. The stress starts to slip away, and it's replaced by this feeling of undescribable calmness. At the same time I start seeing them differently, the idea of females in HPD being something else than just co-workers who I don't touch slowly slipping away. I'm not there yet, will I ever be there? When the line will be crossed and I become just like any other.
Why am I smiling to that?

Like a rock on top of a mountain, waiting, waiting for something to make it move. I don't feel stuck, yet I can't make the move myself. No, I just won't do it, it's a waiting game.

Waiting game for more.