Dear Aunt Roxy,

I never met you.

I did, there are pictures of you holding me and my brother when we were young. Barely babies my mother always said. I remember how much you looked like my mother, your hair much like hers. The pictures show a hardened expression of someone who lived life on the edge.

I was going to meet you again.
I missed you funeral.

My mother always told me you were exactly what people aspired to be. Free. Able to adapt and branch out and touch those around you in a special way.

She said Aunt Kaynia looked up to you before she died.

Aunt Roxy, Why has our family faced so much trial and death? You, Uncle Scott. Aunt Kaynia. Maybe even Uncle Josh.

There were pictures of Uncle Josh holding me as a baby. He seemed proud in that picture.

All the pictures are of you and Josh, and few of my mother with Scott and I. I have none of my father.

Roxy, maybe you will understand the reason I'm scattered and torn. I can't say I grew up sad and unloved. I had family, just not the family that I needed the most. My mother, my Father, one absent, the other partially.

I'm a mother now. You're a great aunt now. Or you would be if you lived.

Grandpa said I'm following in my Mother's footsteps. Young and unwed, already bringing life of my own into the world long before I'm ready.

In love with a man that doesn't love me.

I fucked that one up myself Roxy. I was stupid, foolish, and angry, and didn't think better of my choices. I cheated on him and I broke his heart. I don't know how to give him back the pieces I tore up.

The sad part is... I felt the guilt and took the loss that the consequences of my actions handed me. I ended up alone. The guy I was with? I think he might be married to his girlfriend now. He asked me not to tell anyone, not let it get back to her, because he loved her and it was just a lapse in judgement. I don't know what's worse, Cheating on Travis with a young cop... Or the fact I was used. I guess in many ways I used him. Every time I hear the name Hunter... I cringe.

I struggled with the promise he made me give. Not to tell his girlfriend. She was pregnant too I guess, and having a hard time. Maybe he was just scared of Dad. Either way, I can write it here, because this will never find you. I need to get it off my chest, and I hope you can understand. My greatest mistake, and I'm bound to make more I'm afraid.

I loved Travis. I still do. He was, and still is the only man I've ever kissed.

Ava. Your great niece's name. Ava Andel-Graham. Her father is.. More attentive than I imagined could be possible. He's a different man when he's around her. Loving, Happy. If I'm unable to bring that smile to his face, atleast she can. She looks like him too. An end to the red hair! She's dark toned, I assume from both Travis and Dad, but the eyes are unmistakable.

I need to be a positive force in my daughter's life Roxy. I don't get the opportunity to explore my youth as mom always said you did. I have responsibilities now. The day I gave birth, just before actually, I quit my job at the bar, and went to work at the coffee shop. It's not much, but it's more respectable as I try to finish school.

Mom's positive that I'll walk in Aunt Savannah's footsteps and be a lawyer. It's my goal, but it's still so far away, even further than expected now with Ava. Grandpa seems to think so. He called yesterday, and seemed well, as excited as Grandpa can get. He only grunted once, and only mentioned getting out to work the horses once I mentioned you.

Did you ever make peace with your family?

Will I ever make peace with those I've wronged, and those I love?
Will I be a good mother? That's the biggest worry... That it will be just us, and I'll fail her somehow.

I can't allow that to happen.

I miss you terribly,

~~ Nia