I'm not sure who I'll talk to when I write this. I'm not sure I want to talk to God. I know I don't want to talk to myself, and I'm not sure I'm young enough to talk to a book. For now I guess maybe I'll just write on paper and leave it at that.

When I was little, I used to always keep a "Diary for God" and I remember Agatha used to always tease me when I read it out at Dinner. When she was there.Mum and Dad used to think it was good for my soul and I guess it was. I'm not sure who I am now though, or what I want to do. I lived so long by the Bible and doing what other people told me to do. The Dishes, Go to Church, don't tell mum Agatha did drugs in the barn, Tell mum what Agatha did in the barn.

I miss the country. I miss home. I remember being in the back of the ute when we hit the bull, I got flung out and wasn't sure what had just happened. Then I woke up in Hospital with a DOCS worker next to me telling me they were with God. I hated God then, I think I felt like Agatha must have all the time, I wanted to hurt someone.

I just read the Big Book.

Hathian was strange the first time around, we were living in some, dodge trailer, Agz was pregnant and I remember it only took me a week to piss her off so much she palmed me off. Lake was nice though, I got put with her for a while before I got moved out of Hathian. I never got along with SunHi though, I don't think she liked my God talk really, which is fine. Each to thier own I guess.

I haven't spoken to Mandy and Mick since I told them she died. Technically they're still my parent's, I don't think I'll ever see them that way though. You know, she and I were just starting to get along, I really think she could have been a great sister if she tried harder and an even better mum.

That's another things I've been thinking about. I think it's what's spurred this, sudden urge to try and write things out. When Agatha was going nuts she full on convinced me and Valmont for that matter that their babies were miscarried and I got this letter. I got heaps of letters actually, all forwarded from random places. The week after I got a phone call from Oklahoma telling me that I was the Father on a birth certificate for two twins belonging to my sister.

I've had them home about, three weeks or so now. Got a nursery, my dream nursery actually, the one i wanted for when I could have children. That wasn't meant to be till I was twenty three though and had a job for five years and had been married for two. Nothing's working the way it's meant to. Jacks disabled, severely so that he can't actually do much, not breath or eat or move by himself. Hayley is so noisy and she poo's ALL the time.

Valmonts also doesn't seem, I can't say concerned, he cries a lot. I don't think he's interested, I mean he and Jessi are getting a divorce because he can't keep it in his pants. I'm just not sure how that's very good Father material. Sometimes I want to tell him to go where the sun don't shine but then I get lonely, and don't know what to do, or who to ask for help and everything costs so much and even though Agatha left some money it's not exactly enough.

I keep putting off telling Valmont Jack's not going to survive. I've been sugar coating it so far. Sometimes I wonder if I should tell him just to be mean. Then I pray for forgiveness for thinking something so horrible. But then I wonder whether it's just as bad not letting him know. What if I wake up one morning and he's passed?

What do I do then?
Sometimes I think about hurting myself to take my mind off everything.
I shaved my head instead.

As God Intended Me
Francheska Isolde Udimo