GBTL x Lara's Delivery Service

Reporter: GBTL - Daiyu Tang

Posted to the Observer Forums due to the Print Edition still not able to be produced.

It all started with a Sorority

Reader, as some of you may know the CU is home to a number of groups. There is a fraternity, a cheer group and a Sorority, the BIX, or as they seem to be ok with being known the BI-Chis. Obviously, as an intern with the Observer I am also around the campus fairly often and I've had my eye on the BI-Chi's for a few reasons, but the most obvious one is the obscene amount of wealth that appears to have accumulated with them as represented in their buildings.

The BIX are based right next to the campus and their mansion includes an underground pool, multiple dorms and a range of facilities including a tennis court and giant chess set. Clearly, their benefactor(s) have imbued the girls with sufficient funds to live a relatively lavish lifestyle, one epitomised by their 'servants' quarters at the side of the building.

Anyway, I was poking around the public areas looking for leads on a particular person when I was ambushed by a load of ankle biters. These dogs, Corgis I believe swarmed out of an open window and proceeded to yip, yap and then try and dry-hump my leg. Most of you I suspect wouldn't think this type of dog makes a good guard, but sadly, they appear to as within a few moments, the window was opened further and Lara, or 'Lah-Rah' as she prefers people to enunciate popped out.

The girl, popular around campus as far as I can tell, but also with a reputation around the town approached and I held an impromptu interview which reader, eventually led to the headline of this article...

So as Corgis swarmed out of the windows like some kind of Alien film, I stood my ground against this little army and Lara, who is also one of the few people I think I could probably keep at arm's length, despite her penchant for accessorising with baseball bats... probably toys.

Lara: "It's not really your ankles you have to worry about it's when the pack all knock you to the ground and lick your face off you have to worry about."

We chatted small talk about Lara's history class and various scary stories about the CU campus. After a while, Lara continued:

Lara: "Would you like a cup of tea? glass of wine? It's 5'oclock. Erm. In Saudi Arabia. Where they don't really drink but whose counting?!"

I followed Lara into the enormous kitchen of the Sorority, taking in the trophies and other accessories of that kind of lifestyle. I just didn't fit in, but I kept that to myself for now. We talked about her family, a creepy relative she had and various CU related matters, before Lara turned to the story she had mentioned to me about Jack Robertson, Sati St. Diaz and their new arrival.

Lara: "So I had a call from a guy who had found a card for my babysitting services. This was at like, 3am so he woke me up... can you believe that, I guess this was around Sunday 12th. His name is Jack Robertson and he said he needed my help urgently."

Daiyu: "3am and he had sudden plans come up so called a babysitter? That sounds like a prelude to a social services visit...."

Lah-rah: "No, its because his wife was having a baby and she was scared to go to hospital... So he found my card and wondered if I could help. Like, I told him I'm not a medical doctor, she really needs a doctor yah? But anyway, he insists again and says he'll pay me whatever I want, so I call a car and think about everything I know about delivering babies which is sort of not. So I go to the CU library and grab the ONLY book I can find on midwifery - its from 1986, and then I take a car to his house in Vodou..."

Daiyu: "You don't worry about going somewhere at 3am to deliver a baby to someone you don't know? I think you must be either really crazy or really brave..."

I mean, I'd be worried readers... 3am trips have a habit of going south fast...

Lara: "Or really stupid? I didn't even think about it, I just went... Anyway when I get there his wife's on the bed, having really bad contractions, naked and screaming the house down so I consult this really old book and tell Jack I need blankets, pillows, water all that stuff and he helps me get his lady onto a birthing chair but she's still screaming really badly so I kneel down to take a look, and fuck me, the babies sideways..."

I didn't know that much, but I'd heard that a transversal lie was a dangerous situation for the baby and the mother... Lara continued:

Lara: "I need to sterilise my hands and whilst I'm doing that I'm trying to talk them through how the book tells them to breathe and push - like push for 5 seconds then breathe, push for 5 seconds then breathe, but first I have to put my hands in this strange vagina and turn her baby around, but as I have small hands was able to guide it around using the book and sorta' slide him out - but by this point the blood went up to my elbows and is everywhere, like its the texas chainsaw massacre or a girls sleepover when our periods sync... Anyway I manage to kinda guide this baby the right way and get her breathing again and finally he slips out - Jack Junior Robertson....but I still have to untangle the umbilical cord and once I do that - the stupid old book says 'ONLY A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL SHOULD CUT THE UMBILICAL CORD', but luckily this isn't 1986 yah. YouTube has a video and I ask the parents if they want me to do it and they said they'll trust me to do anything at this point..."

Daiyu: "So... ok, the kid and the mother were fine? So what about stitching or whatever? That kinda birth leads to tears all the time...."

Reader, I have not been and do not intend to be pregnant for a long time, but there's certain facts of life and school teaches them and one thing for sure is that a big baby, sideways and some Sorority president with her arms in you is not the way to get a smooth delivery.

Lah-rah: "Well first I had to cut the umbilical cords and he didn't have any clamps so I had to use hair clips - then once the baby was with the mother I told the father he needed to get a medical professional for the rest or at least a home visit from a nurse - thirteen seasons of greys anatomy and an old textbook and a you tube video doesn't qualify me to be a surgeon. I have to admit though, it was sort of thrilling. I never really thought about a medical profession before but that was kind of exciting..."

So reader, we talked about details, the father, the mother and where I could get more info. Why? Because as I said later to the parents, there's too much stuff in Hathian that's bad, sad... just generally shit. This is a good news story... BIX delivers baby safely with no medical training... I also had a passing interest in what Lara said about the mother not wanting to visit HGH. I've heard a few rumours, investigated a few and well, another source would be good right? So anyway, a week or two later I agreed and met with the father, one Jack Robertson.

Gentleman Jack

Jack came to the Observer offices around the 17th June and we caught up on some of the details, just to cross-check Lara's story but also to see the perspective of the father. We made some small chat, including about some bruising I was carrying to the face, but then delved into the story:

Jack: "Well yes I am the dad that's right, the name is Jack Robertson. Lara told me you liked to do an interview about the newborn?"

Daiyu: "This is great that you came. It's rare to have a good news story and frankly, I wouldn't have believed that Lara could deliver a transverse lie baby, but she's surprised me!"

Jack: "Well I was not sure Lara could do it either but she was the only one that I could call, and she really did a good job by the way"

Daiyu: "Ok, so that's a good starting point - why was she your only person to call? HGH is in town over there and they've been good at treating me? Is it an insurance thing?"

Jack: "Well I sure can tell you it was not insurance... It was more a wife thing... Now, I believe I never did meet her before that day but I was given her card by some one that told me if we ever needed a babysitter she was the one to call and it was my idea to call her to help, cause I believe one who sits on children might know how to deliver one and believe me if it was my call I sure would have going to HGH, but it was something personal to my wife and that's why we did not go there, if you need to know more on that you should ask her about it"

I made a note that I'd have to go ask the wife, it seemed this story had three parts! I was actually reader, looking forward to this, it all sounded pretty wholesome. So sorry for any of you perverts, but this is a family-friendly article so far!

Daiyu: "Well, if it's personal then I don't really want to press her. Not everyone is a fan of hospitals. Some of the nurses probably do home visits though.. Did you know that Lara went to your home via the library? Anyway, so Lara came over and she wasn't totally surprised? She did everything you needed? Mother and child were safe?"

Jack: "Yes, child and mother are safe, and now you say so Lara had a book with her I did not take a closer look at the book, so it might be a book called deliver a baby for dummies but not sure about it, and even if it was like that she sure did her job and a good one at it! Now there you make a good point, come to think about why did I not think about getting a nurse over..."

We talked a little then about his wife, son, Jack Jnr. and how being a father in Hathian can be challenging. I thought this was some of the nicest news for a while and let him know, he seemed pleased, if slightly surprised this was news... but I reminded him that not everyone needs to be a victim or a perpetrator and that good, new life is pretty positive. We parted ways amicably with the name of his wife and therefore I had one more interview to setup... although, it must be said read that I was a little worried about meeting his wife... at least by reputation, family name and some past deeds, I may or may not have had a little disagreement with her sister. Hopefully that wasn't going to bite me in the ass when interviewing.

Sati - the one with the nuclear bed

I met with Sati outside the Observer's offices, not really knowing much about her, except she was the mother to Jack Jnr, a sister in the... to be honest (at least to me) the rather feared Diaz family and when I met her, pretty physically intimidating as well! I knew I'd seen her before, but perhaps it was the clothes or something else, but yeah... I was a bit nervous. We discussed the interview and eventually Sati arranged a car to come and collect us and take us back to their home. Now, I had thought they lived out in the sticks, but this was millionaire's row, near where that big party had been I'd done some photography at. Beautiful house, immaculate gardens... ultra-modern and completed isolated from the grime, dust and dirt of Hathian. Possibly armed men in the grounds patrolling... I wasn't that comfortable to tell you the truth readers! My mind worrying about basements or whatnot...

Anyway, we arrived and I was escorted inside by Sati, who was in fact an excellent host with my fear unfounded, which was a total relief!

Sati: "Welcome to the Robertson's mansion, sweetie, come, it's a proper mansion, we rebuilt it recently, extended the territory a little, added the home cinema and bathtub. I like our new design much better then the previous... The previous one looked like it's a nursery house. Old style, straight from the fifties, if you know what I mean.. with those curtains with flowers, so finally when I got pregnant Jack began to listen to me and we've got this beauty now."

We had a drink and then I got into the detail, finalising the last of the details with Sati for this story.

Daiyu: "Well, it's nice to have someone who listens to you... not sure if that continues when children grow up though, I certainly didn't listen! So anywya, 3am Lara said she got the call... she's a babysitter, can I ask what was going on to prompt that? I mean... I presume that wasn't planned?"

Sati: "Si, well.. I woke up from that.. how you call it in engles? Contractions? You know, when wombs starts to push the baby out and warns you? I thought I have a few days more, so I still was thinking about the doctor to attend.. but the situation became critical very quick, I told Jack that the baby is coming, he panicked a little, but brought himself together and called Lara. We were planning to deliver the baby here anyway, so we had that chair.. you know.. from gynaecologist cabinet... it was a rough day I must say"

Daiyu: "Oh ok, I mean I was asking Lara and then Jack why you didn't go to HGH... but I guess if you had private care here for a home birth, it's kinda redundant. I was however interested if there was some reason not to use HGH, but I think having the means to do it yourself, makes sense too, ok... so you had your own home equipment and then Lara turned up, Jack had her card from something and she was available? Did you notice her at all, or was it just a case of getting through it whomever was helping? Lara made it sound a dangerous delivery..."

Sati: "Well, my familia has a long story with HGH, my elder sister got kidnapped right from the hospital bed by the.. competitors, so to say. And police? Police did nothing about it, when I came to the hospital, demanding answers, they sedate me with some drugs and put there for two days, talking to some 'psychiatrist' or whatever it called so, obviously I'd not trust them iota, especially with the life of my child... This home way might of been harder, delivery was rough and turned out we had no painkillers at home, so we replaced it with the natural product.. weed!"

Daiyu: "That not good about HGH... I mean, they've always treated me fairly, but I've heard a few things as well, so I'm sorry that you were the target or something... HGH should be safe from all this stuff outside... I won't pry there, no sense in opening old wounds... and don't worry, I can fully believe HPD would try and psyche eval anyone if they thought it would meet their goals, so, with Lara's help and medicinal marijuana you got through and were you worried at any time really? Or just focused on pushing and what was your birthing plan for Jack? Did he live up to it?"

Sati: "Yeah, Lara helped a lot, you know, I've done some self studies, breathing technique and stuff, but someone had to take the baby out and cut the chord. Actually it was fucking painful, babe, so my main worries were breathing, pushing and trying not to pass out in that chair. You know, even when we were visiting doctors we didn't want to know the baby's sex till the very last moment, so there will be an element of surprise. He's my first baby... before the delivery I was worrying you know.. I grew up without madre, so I didn't have much examples of good motherhood in life, but after and during delivery I understood - it's just inside, you know.. instinct of some sort, it tells you what to do if you listen"

We chatted some more and I had made notes about this HGH item and then I took photos of Sati in her bedroom. There was all this beautiful furniture around and then this one bed with a "Nuclear" set of bedcovers. She and I laughed about men needing their 'special items' as it turned out this was one of Jacks. My gracious host asked if I wanted to use her pool and I really appreciated how welcoming she was to a random reporter asking about her family.

I know this won't appeal to everyone, but I just wanted to say... your stories make my life easier, so even if you're not beating up Barley, doing the drug deal of the century or otherwise being a nuisance, do reach out... even if no one else does, I enjoy your human interest story reader...

GBTL out

((Apologies for delay posting, getting three people interviewed, edited.. this isn't just a paste of chat logs, it's extracts, editing, spelling, etc... takes quite a lot of time! Sorry we didn't get a Lara+Jack+Sati photo, but maybe we can add later when the Observer is up properly!))