The hashtags of a broken mind…

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Mattius Marville


I'm laying here. On my bed, my bed that's built out of an old chevy truck, phone in hand, Twitter open in front of me and all i can think about is him.
The taste of his skin on my tongue, the feel of his smooth flesh under my hands. How did it come to this? It happened so fast, like a lightening bolt in the middle of a desert.
Though, it took a long time to get here, to get back to feeling...close...connected to someone.
And it feels now like i was drowning, and i didn't even know it. I was drowning in a sea of misery, of black pain, i wanted to destroy myself, completely obliterate myself, tear myself apart in a fit of rage and hatred. I still feel that way, every damn fucking day. But he...he gave me...something to hold onto, he gave me a light in the darkness.
He gave me...something that i haven't had for a long time. Not since...her. I don't know where she is now. Nor Sage, my son. They are as lost to me as words on the wind. But for the first time I'm feeling like there may be hope. Hope of something...more. Something...that i thought I'd lost.
Lord knows i don't connect well with most people. Half of that is my own fault. I know this. But it's self preser-fucking-vation. Too many times I've grown close to someone, too many times I've opened up, let them in, allowed myself to become vulnerable, only to have the ones i care about lie to me, betray me, cheat on me, and abandon me.
So i push them away. I lie, and i cheat, and i provoke and i push, and i hurt them, and i frighten them so that they'll stay away from me, so that they won't....hurt me. Better them than me, right?
Hell, look at the shit my own family did to me. I still can't process it all. What happened back then...was a mess. It seems so long ago, yet at the same time, it still feels so raw. Without them, i feel...weak. As if the absence of the invisible cage they kept me in has taken something from me. How could they do it?
Once upon a time they called me brother. Once upon a time i stood side by side with them, strong and tall and proud, knowing without doubt that i was one of them, that i was wanted. Loved, supported and cared for. When did it change? It was  a subtle shift but things did change. I saw it, i felt it yet i ignored it for so long, thinking that...that if i just refused to see it...then things would go back to the way it's always been.
But things didn't go back. People became...selfish. Greedy. Liars. Where once i saw beauty, now there is only rotting flesh. There is nothing good there now. Not for me. I was cast aside like an old blanket, that's full of holes, which has been there for all the bad times, the good times and the times in between, but is tossed in the trash anyway.
And it hurts. Lord, fuck it hurts to walk away from what once made me happy but in the end...after what happened...after what they did...i can't be around them. They betrayed me. They placed fucking outsiders higher in importance than me. They screwed me over, and then abandoned me in my darkest moments.
None of them, except my sister have reached out.  None of them, except her have even tried to contact me, ask me to come back. But then, when i left i knew it would be this way. After all my years of loyalty, after all my sacrifice, all the times i fought, all the times i almost died for them, to be cast aside like I'm nothing...
But he....he makes it all a little more easier to cope with. He makes the dark, excruciating pain inside me lighten, just for a time. When i leave him, i go right back into that black hole, just not as deep as I'd been before. It's like he..infects me with light. My mouth cracks a smile, a genuine smile and it feels strange on my face.
When i leave him, the effects of being with him fade, slowly. But for a day or two...i still feel that warmth, that...terrifying affection he gives me. I don't understand it. He's like a puzzle i can't figure out. Why does he look into the face of a monster and see only good things there? I know what i am, i know what i can do, have done in the past and likely will do in the future, but somehow, he sees the good in me. And looking down at him, i feel like i actually want to be good. Like i want to be...a better man than i am.
I never want to see that fear in his eyes.
I have no idea if i will ever be able to be what he sees in me, what he inspires me to be, but for now, i am trying. It's time. Nothing else has worked for me so far, so I'm trying at least, to be that better man that i envision in my head. Maybe then I'll get my share of happiness. Lord knows, though, it's never been easy.
From the start, i was at a disadvantage. Parents. They're supposed to teach you how to be a decent adult in life. All i learned, i learned from Him. And it is because of Him that i am like i am today. I hate that I'm like Him, that i do the things He did. But i can't....stop. I can't fight....the voices in my head, that tell me to do these things. I can't...fight...the temptation. For blood, for pain...for violence. For death.
I crave them all like i crave the heroin. They call to me, they itch in my blood like a thousand bugs crawling under my skin. I can't get them out. I try. But they just won't let me go. I like it though. I like the pain. The blood, the violence.
Not only taking it on myself, feeling those punches that bruise my flesh, feeling those cuts and stabs and gunshots like painful barbs shoved inside my skin, but i also enjoy giving those decadent prizes to others as well.
It's the screams. They remind me so much of her. Of how she used to wail when He raped her, when He cut her, tortured her in front of me. It's the only way i get to be close to her now.
I cut them, i stab them, i rape them, and when they scream it's like I'm back there, in that cesspit of horrific debauchery and bloodshed. But a part of me wants to go back there. A part of me wants to go....home.
I tried to escape Him by running away. I tried to...make my life something better. But it was never better. I missed it. I missed it like an old lover misses the touch of a hand on their neck. And that makes no sense to me. Why would someone miss that shit? What He did to her, what He did to me....why would i....why do i...miss that?
I still have nightmares about him, that dark shadow in the frame of the doorway, his hand dragging me down the stairs by my thin wrist, the tinkle of his belt coming off, my eyes on her naked body as he tells me to look at her. I can't get hard like he orders me to.
Is it because I'm so young? Or is it because i am what he says i am. A faggot. A queer little gay boy who craves dick? He told me that it was for my own good, that...what he was doing was just...a father....trying to teach his boy the right way to live.
But it's not the right way to live is it? It never was. I know that now, and yet....after those nine years i spent with Him and her, i still....miss it. Did i become conditioned to it? Did i become....institutionalized? So used to the cage that I'm weak without it?
The weakness i feel inside me at being without my family, would confirm that. Maybe that's it, maybe i crave the cage even as i rage against it. The violence, the blood, the sex, it's become normal to me now. I feel....frustrated and angry without it.
He gets it. The boy. He told me he feels that same way. And i think that's part of why i like him. He and i....we're so similar in our emotions, in how we feel about things. He truly gets it, like no one else has ever got it before. He's just...younger, less experienced, less...of a monster than i am. But still, i see a lot of myself in him, and god knows i don't want him to end up like me.
I help him, i started...trying to help him. I thought i could...stop it. Stop him from becoming like me. But i'm not so sure any more. When i look at him, a dark part of me wants to hurt him, wants to cut him, to rape him, to destroy him. A dark part of me wants to ruin that beauty that i see in him. Because it's so damn bright. His light....makes the darkness in me shudder in revulsion and it wants blood.
I'm fighting it though, i am fighting it with everything i have. I will not let it hurt him.
Please God, don't let me hurt him.

June 25, 2017 at 6:59 am
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