Loose Leaf Confessions (Caileigh Kharg)

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faeydra-aluveaux

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It's been so long since I've written. I went back through the pages of an old journal and to be honest, not a single memory hit home. Words on text that stare back at me like a taunt or a reminder that there are just some things I'll never remember.

I've accepted this truth, that while some things will return, most will not. The years I've lost since the accident and the HPD take over may be lost to me forever. There are the fragmented pieces that come and go, but lately I've learned to be okay with the fact that I may never remember the times prior to that day.

In fact. I don't remember that day much at all. I was told the station had a hostile take-over. I remember images and figures all dancing in my head, but there's nothing but the blur of images and faces that don't entirely present to me in any tangible sense. I don't know the faces, or the time frame. I don't even know how it all started. What I do remember though, is waking up one day and most of my life a haze, and integral people and places missing in the scheme of all my memories.

I woke up to find myself in a year long relationship with a guy I could barely remember, in a house that was mostly unfamiliar to me, and a parrot. I had a devil bird that was staring at me at the end of my bed the morning I woke up. I didn't find out until later where that devil bird came from and why. I struggled everyday with the fact that I'd lost key moments in my life that I was unsure if I'd ever regain. Memories of family, friends, people I've met along the way. People I've cared for wiped from existence. It's been a struggle, but I've made strides into repairing those lost bridges. Mostly.

I went from one relationship into another. Really it happened unexpectedly. I still feel a sense of guilt for dropping a relationship with a guy I couldn't remember, but it was odd to me to try and continue a relationship I don't remember. I know it hurt Lance, and I felt horrible. I'm sorry. I wish I could be that same person you once knew.

So much has happened since the take-over.

I took some time away from the house that I shared with Lance and was offered a place to stay at while things settled for me by the Lieutenant of HPD, Jack Hartigan. I took the offer since it was a friendly gesture and the man had a girlfriend after all. I was in and out, not much there since I'd decided to immerse myself in work.

I guess I was just trying to escape the fact I'd lost so much, and had gained something much more sinister.

The days of my undercover stint with the Detective division tested the bounds of my sanity. The crows. They constantly haunt my dreams, especially the Pirate. I've yet to speak to my therapist about the experiences I remember. She says she'll be there the day I decide to break through.

Whatever that means.

I'm not even sure anymore.

Things are different now. More different than I'd imagined my life would be, well at least from waking up from that mind fuck given to me by the Crows.

In the end Skye broke up with Jack. Something about not wanting a family on his part that she couldn't get passed.

When he and I got together, I was uncertain about that whole thing. Why? Because I'd just broken up with Lance not to long ago. I was worried I was just using Jack as a rebound boyfriend. Hell. We didn't even define the relationship until later. I was okay with the whole no family thing, I was okay with him not even telling me he loved me, so long as I knew he cared somewhat. I was still learning about myself after all, and that whole bit was maybe an afterthought at the time.

At least it was then.

Now? Things have changed far beyond anything I've ever expected.

At first it was confusing. How do you react to someone loving you when they've told you they could never love another person ever again? Did they hit their head? Delusional?

Then you ask yourself. Did you actually make a difference in their lives enough to change them?

But then you struggle with that ego and the uncertainty of truth behind words.

Then you add a baby to the mix.

Oh right, did I forget to mention that?

Jack and I are having a baby.

It was hard for me not to take those words at face value given the current situation.

But as I said. Things change.

I moved in permanently with Jack and I'm happy.

He seems happy, too.

So maybe things happen for a reason?

Well things definitely happen anyway, reason or not.

I just like to pretend there's a reason that these things keep happening.

February 22, 2014 at 10:56 am
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