In a Mirror, Darkly

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james-matfield

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((This one was posted on the main site a few weeks after I joined..so it's not recent by about a month...thought I would bring it over here before I post another to keep my journals in order)

Two weeks ago I got off the bus just up the road here in Hathian...not really knowing what to expect and needing a fresh start. I admit due to my past, I am hesitant about what my life will be like here. But I just finished med school and I needed to go where the work was. Plus even though I shouldn't care for the people in this world, for being so cold and abusive, I still feel compasion to help them. For some crazy reason I believe in mankind still, even after being abused, made fun of and kicked around as a child. As much as I find myself trying to hate people, blaming everyone for my childhood...I just can't give up on mankind. So here I am hoping that in this new town, this socially ackward man can help save some lives and make a difference.

You know, I had heard rumors of what to expect when I got here. Other than rain and lots of heat, words does not do the place justice. Walking down the street toward the hospital the first time, I ran into a man dealing drugs to a young girl...nice. Graffiti everywhere, trash strewn too and fro, most people probably would have just turned around and went back the way they came. But curiousity got the best of me, telling me to stick around. Maybe this would be the place I could finally make a difference? Though I doubt myself like always, I keep walking...maintaining hope that I would be somewhat accepted here, in a place for the first time in my life really. But the cold stares from people on the street feel like ice on my neck. Why should I hope to fit in here when I couldnt't fit in anywhere else? Back home I was an outcast, a reject.

I had came a long way though since those days...med school had changed me so much..I went from a scrawny little no body to what I am today, fit and healthy. I learned so much about taking care of my body and improving my appearance the natural way from med school...that I hardly look the same. I remember all the kids calling me ugly and pushing me around in school. I remember my foster parents telling me I'd never amount to anything, watching them use their state checks and food stamps to abuse drugs while I sat starving up stairs. I remember girls calling me a freak and not even giving me the time of day. Only one girl friend growing up...how pathetic? She probably only went out with me because she felt sorry for me. But I am past that. No one will ever hurt me like that again..ever.

I learned to avoid rejection though by med school. If I kept busy and focused on my career, atleast maybe I could be rich. But even through all my hurt, I still care sometimes too deeply. It was sometimes easy to get distracted, let my guard down. As I improved my image, girls started to notice me...or just wanted to use me because I'd be rich some day. I know it was the latter though for sure. No one could ever love me. Doubt I could ever love anyone anyways. No time for love, just time for work. Besides, I wanted to improve this cruel world maybe. I wanted to help those less fortunate and maybe make an impact on lives.

But still I question why I was so quick to choose here. Maybe it was all the rumors. Maybe part of me wanted to be a hero doctor in a town that needs healing. Maybe it's the place that could end up healing me? Am I saying I am broken? Stupid blog, I don't even know why I am writing about my time here. They told us in med school it's important to keep records to help us remember the good and bad. Said it was great mental excercise. I just feel foolish writing and rambling on with something no one will read. From here on out maybe I will just post my personal journal entries or something.

I guess may as well write down what else happened though, seeing as my time seemingly got better. First day I get a small tour around the town by a young mother. She wore a red rag around her arm...probably some kind of gang memorabilia. She was really nice and peaked my curiousity, but I let my guard down and done something foolish, I let my body control me and well..I can't let myself get attached to anyone. How can I help anyone if I go getting myself depressed over something dumb. The next day I run into her again though, turns out she's a nurse at the hospital that I was going to be an intern at. Things was a bit ackward, but nothing seemed out of the blue. Still let my guard down a few times, but I would do better.

First few days kind of blend in. Actually forced myself to try and get to know some locals. Chatted with a purple haired girl at the coffee shop. Seemed really welcoming as was the other barista there. Most others don't really speak though ,guess I am still too much of an outsider huh? Speaking of her purple hair, seems like everyone heres got a unique style. Everyone stands out in a different way. Most are tough as nails..guess you have to be in a town like this though. Did I mention that nearly everyone is carrying a weapon but me? Kind of scary when you see a teenager walking down the street with a machete strapped to their back.

So on my way to work for the first time several days in, I stumble upon the first dead body I have ever saw outside med school. Sad thing was, it was in a shack on the beach. Never before have I saw a body so thoroughly destroyed and maimed. The odor was undescribably bad. Not to mention the body was a female with a rat stuff in it's twat. Had another thought of leaving right then. I was an outsider still. Once I get to the hospital I start to change my opinions a little. The first patient I treated actually seemed gratefull. I made a difference somehow. Sure from here on out I got a mixed bag of patients, some hated me, some didn't. Some didn't care. Most on some sort of drug. Not that I judge people on drugs, I know everyones got their reasons for doing stuff, but I sure wish I could help them somehow...if that makes sense.

Another few days in I was in front of the restraunt making small talk with a blond hair lady with a blue streak in it. We hear a scream and go to investigate it. There was a lady being strangled! When we approached the attacker ran off and I couldn't find him, not that I couldve done much. Just wish I knew the direction he took so the police could've found him. The girl that was attacked was the same purple haired girl from earlier, name was Charli. She had pretty bad rope burns around her neck, I treated them on the spot best I could while the blue haired girl, Valena talked to her about it. The rope he used had a freaky little voodoo doll attached to it. She was gratefull of coarse and I admit it was a good feeling to have helped, but I doubt it was me that scared him off,as Val was packing some nasty looking blades. I sure would've ran!

I guess you can say me and Charli is friends, never really had one of those before, but she still speaks to me..which is nice. It does get kind of lonely not knowing anyone here. Her and the other barista, Fyah speak to me when I come in. Fyah eventually confides in me that she has just lost someone close to her named Miho. I was unable to be much help, but she did eventually tell me that she would like for me to try and help Miho's friend Ebony. I doubt she will let me, why would anyone want me to help them? I haven't even proved myself yet here ,but seemed like people was willing to give me a try. I did meat Ebony eventually, finding her in the streets with banged up and bleeding fists. I don't know how to explain it, but seeing those burn scars on her shoulder kind of made me remember the fire that claimed my real family. After telling her I lost my family she was willing to share with me that she had lost hers in a similar way. She let me treat her and has saw me at the hospital regularly.

Over the last few weeks I've became pretty good friends with her, relating in many ways. She sees and hears voices though, which often times makes her violent, but I really think we can get her past it. She seems more than willing to try too. I actually another girls life this week too! Her name was Kayleigh I think, she was assaulted, had several knife wounds. I had to give her blood pretty fast...had to neglect other ailing patients at the hospital to get her stabilized, but she seemed to appreciate it. Though if she found out I was the one who called her father to let him know this is where she ran away to, she may hate me. What a busy night at the hospital too! Alot of pressure but it kept me busy, which I loved.

The emt/receptionist at the hospital seems to have taken a liking to me. I try to be oblivious to it, but people keeping pointing it out to me. I can't get involved with someone...I am to busy..yes too busy. It's flattering but I'd just end up getting hurt. Best to keep saving lives..it's bad enough that I've opened up to let friends in. Oh I do need to write about Sun. She is going to get me killed! She out of nowhere told her parents I was going to take her to the prom. I get choked up, the biggest reason is number one, her dad is a cop and has more than enough bullets to end me. Reason number two is her mom is my supervisor...who would probably kill me faster or fire me. I don't know what to say or do, but thankfully we are able to agree to just be friends. She seems nice and sweet. We swam together, but again, I can't let girls in, much less that much younger than me. I relate to her though and it's good to have another friend.

Lake, my supervisor seems really nice, as does her husband, Anthony..the cop I mentioned earlier. He was the officer who talked to me about the voodoo doll. (crazy thing is, those things keep popping up all over, mainly around dead bodies. I am glad they didn't get Charli though...I don't wanna lose one of my only friends.), but Anthony, he gives me that look though, like I am watching you...Though it's cause his daughter and the prom thing. I personally hope I can learn a few things from Lake though, she seems to be a great dr. So does Dr.Slade. I helped her save a ladies life the other night that was dying after deliverying twins. She was so gracefull and knew exactly what to do. I guess I am in good hands to learn from people there. Dr. Amat seems all business, which was scary at first, but I have accepted that he's just doing his job.

Oh this pregnant lady I met last week is going to drive me insane. She comes in after snorting cocaine and has an ultra sound. She had never even been to the dr! I could tell by her tone that she wasn't going to stop doing anything to harm herself while she has the baby. I hope by some miricle that the baby arrives safe..but I am gonna bet money she wont go full term. She seems like a good girl at heart though, but again that's me seeing the good in people, atleast trying to. Too bad she probably hates me since I had to restrain her the other day after attacking Ebony. Don't care much for treating patients in restraints, but whatever works.

Oh found out yesterday that Ebony has a tumor...which could explain her hearing voices and seeing things. But for sure that's whats causing her head aches. I just keep hoping we can do something for her. She's so young and innocent at times..no one deserves so much pain. All kids deserve a good life..even those who think they don't. I bet she will be a famous guitar player someday. Dr. Ansar was shot a few days ago, but she seems like she was almost ready to get up and help Ebony if she could. I admire that.

Now I feel like I really am rambling, but I have to admit my attitude has changed here alot. I really enjoy my job and even the friendships I am forging actually feels right...considering I never really had any friends. Coarse they may hurt me too, so I have to keep them away some for now. Note to self, drunk chicks you give advice to sometimes kiss you in thanks...catching you off guard lol. Oddly enough this town seems to be accepting me when no other place does. I fear this place still though in many ways, still learning. I will try to log my thoughts when I can...I better get to bed now though. That's it for my blog for today I think.

Dr. James Matfield

It feels good saying Dr.Matfield...can't wait to get promoted to make the title official.

July 9, 2010 at 11:59 am
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