((The following journal entries are written entirely in Japanese – if found ICly (contact me in-world on cloverfordyce resident if you’d like to do so), they are only understandable if the reader is fluent.))
The filter I use to catch these things is full. It’s dirty. It needs emptying and there is no place to put it except here. It’s stupid of me to write this down, something tangible holding the truth, but it can be burned. People aren’t tossed in the fireplace as easily as paper. Their memories can be forever. It spreads like a virus. I’d rather be able to extinguish it like one.
Not that the girl from California knows any better than that. But she’s running. She’s not Lumen. I am Lumen now. Lumen Imai, a fake name, a fake person, I’m no better than the people back home. Worse, even. It keeps building. Maybe I really have become Lumen. I’m scraping up every identity and gluing it into one, less than whole, more than enough to hate. It keeps people away, it’s easier like that. California drew people in – Lumen keeps them out.
California didn’t know any better. California took pleasure in their ultimate demise due to trusting her. California enjoyed what she did. California was a driver, the rest of the world her roadkill, a hunter, the easiest targets her prey.
I am Lumen now.
A measure of light or a measurement of entrails, that’s what I am. It doesn’t matter anymore. I just exist. Maybe it’s guilt, maybe it’s just the necessary need for freedom that pulls me only closer to where I was before. Maybe I learned nothing at all. And, to be honest as I’m scraping the truth from my filter to this stupid paper, maybe I enjoy that.
I’m already shilling my skills and paying others for their time. It’s not as bad as what I’d done before, but it’s certainly not a charity drive, but maybe it’s a learning curve.
Does it take time to learn how to be a good person?
I still love the chaos. I want to make it mine again. My ultimate goal is not something a good person would ever want. Perhaps, some day, I’ll find that I thrive in peace and security, in leaving others to go about their business. But, as of now, I can’t help diving into whatever seems most profitable, most entertaining. I will take whatever I can get. Everything is free if you’re quick enough. Everything is worth it if it makes your day better than the last.
I’m done with that.
I will let some of my own lies permeate me, make myself believe it: I want to live in a nice cottage and grow flowers. I want to be sober. I want to have a nice, quiet life. I want the best for others. I want to plant a seed of serenity, to watch it grow and benefit others. I will not be envious. I will not scheme. I will not fill myself with hatred. I will not lie.
I will not lie.
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