12/23/2015

They don't know I have this. I'm writing this. They'd take it if they did. Hades showed me his shadows yesterday. HIS demons. I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle it alone. I had to call in the Queen to help me. She didn't play nice... I'm in the place where the Doctors live tonight, they've all curled their wings and found their perches for the night. But the nurses are out in force. If I don't stay awake they'll take me, they'll take me. They put a sheet over your head, expose your feet, they roll you away, and noone ever sees you again. Not ever. Just the empty shell you leave behind when all the rest has gone.

 

I thought I could handle any type of Demon, I thought the Prince had imbued me with the ability to see, and not to fear, but these were different, they were oily, they were dark. They weren't out in the open dull or shiny like blades or rusty and bloody, but they hid, they slid  from me, hid from me.  I tried to push them away, to part the fog. But I have noone to part my own. I called and there was no help. And then I called in the Queen and she came in her tarnished glory and made everything so much worse...

 

I need to find the Angel. She can help me... Unless she damns me. I'm already damned. The pip is damaged more and more every day I can feel the chemicals burning through my body, through my veins. It's destroying me. I need it. I need it though. There is no quiet. The raven was right. I don't fit here. I don't belong here. The needle is the only quiet. The only peace. The only belonging. It's the only quiet. It's all so loud. It's always loud... They told me this would help, writing it down, that it would get rid of the fire, but they were wrong. It's worse. It's so much worse. I'm adrift and I need to find someone who can tie me  down.

 

The glass comes more and more often. It was cotton today. She had the knife in my flesh, and all I could feel was fluffy. Fog in my eyes, in my brain, on my skin. I couldn't move couldn't think couldn't talk. I could bleed. I could still bleed. I do that well. She carved me a liar... I'll wear it with pride.

 

Nothing is real. That's the secret. That's what they're hiding. Is that what they wanted me to see? That nothing is real? The Duke needs to pay... I have the picture. The Duke will pay... And then Hades can find his Persephone without fear. I hope she's pretty.

 

I went to the water today to find the quiet the peace, the empty. The needle brought it, but then she came, the flame. She burned it all away. It's her fault I'm here. I should douse her. I should douse the flame. It was quiet until she ripped a hole.

 

I was going back to hell. I could feel myself being pulled,  tugged through the wooden slots with each crimson drop. But I'm not finished yet. I can't leave until I'm finished. I pulled myself up. I stumbled. I fell. I made my way and then I collapsed at the feet of a Bear. He took me to the den of the Doctors. HE thought they'd heal me. He forgot about the nurses. How they roam the halls at night.

And now the glass is back, and I can't send it away. And I can hear the nurses whispering at the edges.